Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Our "trip"

Dear Kate and Riley,
Since we lost you I have joined a few different groups for support. One is Silent Grief which I've talked about on here a lot. My friends from SG have really gotten me through the months since losing you. I don't think I could have made as much progress as I have or stayed sane at all if it hadn't been for the other women on SG. Another group that I joined is called LAMBS, it is specifically for women who have lost all of their multiples. LAMBS is different from SG, I haven't connected with as many people there but I like it because more than just losing a baby, those women know the pain and sadness of losing more than one baby at a time. The loss of multiples I think is its own kind of sadness because its something that was just so anticipated as being different and special. I know that no matter how many babies we go on to have, we will most likely never get the chance again to have two babies at one time. Sometimes I mourn that chance. I am to the point in my grief where I can hold babies, watch baby shows on tv and be pretty much normal, but I still change the channel whenever twins come on. I still get sad when I see twins at the mall or anywhere else.
Today someone on LAMBS posted this little analogy that I had read before in relation to having a child with a disability. I had never thought of it as relating to us but when I read it again today I realized that it did and it made me feel good. I think that our journey to parenthood has been very very different from what we anticipated and expected but there have been good things from this journey, I have grown, I have met people I would never have met before and I have changed but I am coming to terms more and more that this is our journey and we need to take it for what it is....

"Welcome to Holland"

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation
trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful
plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may
learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your
bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess
comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm
supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and
there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just
a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than
Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath,
you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has

and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all
bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of
your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what
I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...
because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to
Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely
things ... about Holland.

- Emily Pearl Kingsley

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Your stone is in....

Dear Kate and Riley,

I haven't written on here in two months. I feel bad but I think it is also good, I have been distracted with summer vacation and thinking about your brother. It doesn't mean I don't think of you, I do often. We got a call this morning that your headstone had been placed at the cemetery. Daddy and I went after church to take a look. The picture is not as clear as I'd hoped but I am very happy that there is something there now so everyone who comes to the cemetery knows that is your spot.

Dad and I chose a scripture from Moroni for your headstone. We liked what it said, "All little children are alive in Christ" I felt that it went well with the picture we had chosen and I liked that it was a Book of Mormon scripture, I wanted people who saw it to know what we believed. We know that little children are perfect, I know that you didn't have to be baptized because you are already perfect, you never got the chance to sin. I know that is why we need to work extra hard in this life so we can all be together as a family some day.

I will have to write again and update you on our summer. Dad and I went to see Grandma O'Farrell in Virginia and had a good time. I am taking the summer off from working, just resting and trying to take really good care of your baby brother. He is doing well so far. We just made it past the point where we lost you. I was so scared for those weeks but I'm starting to feel a little better. I really am starting to believe that your brother is going to make it here safely. It will be a bittersweet day when he arrives. I think about it often. I think about going back to the same hospital where you were born. I think about how similar and how different it will be all at once. I think about what it might feel like to leave this hospital without empty arms. It is exciting and scary all at once.

Watch over us, watch over your baby brother. I know that he will be so lucky to have two sisters to always watch over him. I am working on your baby book right now so that we will have something to show him so he will grow up knowing who you are. I know that you will be wonderful big sisters even though you can't be here.