Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Its been six months

Dear Kate and Riley,

Today it has been six months since we said hello and goodbye. I can't believe six months has passed. It really feels like yesterday in so many ways. Yesterday on my way home from work I tried really hard to remember every detail about holding you. I tried to remember how it felt to hold you, how fragile you were in my arms and the little details of your faces. I can so vividly remember your tiny ears and your noses. I miss you every day. Not an hour goes past that I don't have a thought of you. I still get so sad when I see a baby girl. I wish that right now I was writing about the cute little things you do and all that you are learning. I am sure you are doing cute things and learning, I just don't get to be with you. It still seems so unfair sometimes. Its not one of those things that you get to look back on and think "oh that was for the best". I really don't understand how something like this can be for the best. I think the best thing would be for you to be here with us. But for some reason there was another plan for our family. For some reason you needed to be there and we needed to be here. I do have faith that some day I'll understand. Some day I think that this time I've spent without you will seem like such a small amount of time. Some day when I have a different perspective on eternity.
I do know that losing you has changed me. In some ways I have changed for the better and in some ways for the worse. I think that overall I have learned and grown in a way that I never thought I would (or never knew I would have to) since you died. These are some of the things I have learned:
I have a strong strong testimony of eternal families
I am stronger than I ever thought I could be
I love your dad more than I ever thought I could
I have a wonderful and supportive family and group of friends
I have something in common with wonderful strong women all across the world who have sadly experienced the same tragedy that I have
I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants me to be happy even though He sends me challenges and trials
I have a Savior, Jesus Christ who died for me and who will make it possible for me to be with my family again some day
I can never take anything in my life for granted. Nothing is guaranteed.

Some of these things I knew before but I KNOW them now. I appreciate things I never appreciated before, I understand life in such a different way than I ever have before.

Thank you girls for everything you have taught me and continue to teach me. I love you so much.


Saturday, June 02, 2007

You are Getting A....

can you guess what I am?
Dear Kate and Riley,

This week Dad and I found out that you will be getting a .... BROTHER! We went in for our 19 week ultrasound and there he was, showing his stuff to anyone who wanted to look, he certainly wasn't shy. So far everything looks good he is nice and healthy. I have had mixed reactions about having a boy next but I think it will be good. I will be so sad to pack away all of the things we bought for you but at the same time I think it will be good to have some separation between you and the new baby. I don't want him to feel like he is a replacement baby and I wouldn't want you to feel that either. It is a weird feeling to know that this baby wouldn't even exist if you hadn't died. A strange mix of emotions. I feel like I want you back so bad but at the same time I already love this new baby so I want him too but I know that it would have been impossible to have both. We are nearing the six month mark since we lost you and I think there will be a lot of emotions next week. It is a scary thing to be pregnant, I get so scared before every appointment because I think that this one might be the one where I get bad news. The doctor is very confident that this baby will get here safely so I am trying hard to have faith.

Watch over your little brother girls. Oh and if you have any name ideas whisper them in my ear at night because your dad and I are stumped!