Monday, March 26, 2007

Angel Peyton

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today there is a new baby angel in heaven. Her name is Peyton. Peyton has a sister who is already in heaven named Quinn. I hope that you can find Peyton today and welcome her to heaven. I hope that Peyton and Quinn are able to find a way to comfort their mommy. Their mommy's name is Cass and she found silent grief after she lost her baby Quinn. A few weeks ago Cass told us that Peyton was not growing as fast as she should. Cass was so worried because that is the same thing that happened with Quinn. Surely, we all thought, this would never happen to her again. The boards were full of messages of hope for Cass and Peyton. We all prayed and hoped for Peyton to be ok. Today her mom went in to the doctor and found out Peyton is an angel. She will be born on Wed.
This has been such a sad day on Silent Grief. Most days we are sad but still full of hope. I feel like losing a child has to be one of the worst kinds of pain that there can be, I can't imagine going through it again. I am sending prayers for Cass and her husband. Tell all the angels in heaven to surround them with love.


Sunday, March 18, 2007


Dear Kate and Riley,
One thing your dad and I have been procrastinating is picking out a headstone to mark your grave. It bothers me that there isn't anything there but some angel statues I put in the ground. Its hard to choose because it feels very final and like a big decision because it will be there forever. I would hate to go back years later and wish we had done something else.
I found a picture of Jesus holding twin girls on another angel mom's blog a while ago, I posted it a few posts ago. I really liked it but I couldn't read the signature on the picture and the mom who had posted it didn't know where it came from. I sent an e-mail to my LAMBS group (loss of all multiples at birth) and asked if anyone knew who had done the picture. No one responded for a few weeks and I was sad. I knew that was the picture I wanted but I couldn't use the one off of the computer, it wasn't good enough quality, plus I would have felt bad using a picture without permission from the artist.

Then, last week, a mom e-mailed me and sent me to Jean Keaton's website. The mom who e-mailed me had angel babies named Hyrum and Joseph, I knew she must be LDS. Then I went to the website and I recognized the picture on the home page right away, it was a picture of Mary holding Jesus and I knew that this artist was also LDS. I knew that must be the reason I felt so drawn to this picture, this artist had the same understanding of Christ that I do. She captured his love so well and I loved picturing the two of you safe in His arms.
I spent a while looking through her touching pictures of children with Christ, some of them had stories that I read and I cried thinking of how much comfort this artist was bringing to families.
This week I ordered some of the prints for us and our family and I also e-mailed the website to ask permission to use the picture on your headstone. They e-mailed me back and said that we can use the picture. I am happy to have found the perfect picture for your headstone. I think it will be a wonderful way to always remember you. Now dad and I have to decide on a scripture or quote we want to put on the bottom. I have a few ideas in mind. I am hoping that we get the prints soon so we can order the headstone in the next few weeks. I hope that it is something that makes you proud and that when we visit always brings a warm feeling to our hearts.


Saturday, March 10, 2007

Joseph and Emma

Dear Kate and Riley,
Since losing you, I have felt such a closeness to others who have experienced this horrible tragedy of losing a child. My aunt, Linda, and her husband, Randy, lost their baby Jonathan when he was only a few months old. Jonathan was almost the exact same age as my brother Bret. I am sure that you have gotten to meet Jonathan and hopefully he has told you that just like his mother's heart has healed with time, so will your mom's.
Linda wrote me a letter after we lost you and told me about her mother's grandmother. This is what she wrote to me: "I felt my mother’s grandmother, Amelia, was at his birth and comforting me as I dressed him for burial. I’m so grateful for my mother’s books that helped me know her. She had lost 2 babies and knew what it was all about. She almost went crazy when the second child died, but then she had a dream about her husband’s 1st wife, Phoebe, who was deceased. She saw Phoebe caring for her children in heaven, just as she was caring for Phoebe’s children here on earth." After Linda told me that story, I thought about your Grandma Linda, dad's mom and how I hope that she is up in heaven loving you and taking good care of you. I never got to meet Grandma Linda but I am glad she is there to take care of you. I guess it is only fair if she has all of these grandchildren on earth that she gets two in heaven to keep her company.
I liked hearing what Linda had to say because I know that years had passed and even though she will never forget Jonathan her heart had healed and she has been able to find joy in her family and her knowledge of Heavenly Father's plan for her family. I also know that Linda had to deal with something I will have to, having a nephew the same age. I will have two nieces, Clint and Kelli's baby girls the same age. I can remember watching Linda watch Bret and I always thought about how hard it must be for her to know that whatever age Bret was, Jonathan should have been the same. I know it will be hard for me to be around Clint and Kelli's babies but I also hope that with time I can look at them and be happy instead of sad.
Another couple I have felt very close to, even though I have never known them, were Joseph and Emma Smith. Joseph and Emma lost six children, including a set of twins that died shortly after birth. I cannot imagine the pain they must have felt. There is a very touching painting by an artist named Liz Swindle, and a song by Kenneth Cope called "Tiny Hands" both of these show the pain that Joseph and Emma must have gone through. Although I can't say for sure, I would guess that even through everything that Joseph and Emma went through, losing their children must have been the hardest.
If you get to meet Joseph and Emma, you can tell them what an inspiration they are to your mom. I know Joseph Smith was the prophet who restored the gospel to the earth. I know that because we have the gospel on the earth and the ordinances of the temple that we will be together again some day.

"Tiny Hands"
by Kenneth Cope

another pair of tiny hands
to lay beneath the clay
slumbering little baby eyes
to wake another day
oh god of heav'n, come guard this bed
and let this angel sleep
'til earth is pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

a wondrous little baby smile
the hope of things to be
born to face the troubled world
for a moment and then set free
oh god of heav'n, take hate from man
'til lambs and lions feed
and make earth pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

tiny hands
angel hands
perfect hands
blamless hands
lifeless hands
resting in the night
waiting for the light
when life will follow

oh god of heav'n, send christ again
bringing his reign of peace
let earth turn pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

then give back my child to me

Monday, March 05, 2007

Your Due Date

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today, March 5th, was your due date. I really hadn't thought too much about today because we always thought you'd come early, I almost think the 38 week mark was harder for me since that is when I really thought you'd be here. I wish that today was different. I wish I had you here at home. I wish we were staying up all night trying to juggle two babies and figuring out how to get you to sleep through the night. I wish we were holding you and smelling you instead of packing up your room and giving your things away. But none of that will happen in this life. Grandma Janice, my mom, put a poem on the comments section that I thought was a good one for today. I am surprised at how many people remembered what today was. We have truly been blessed with wonderful friends and family who are watching out for us. I like to think that today you get to celebrate your "would be" birthday in heaven.

This is the poem my mom sent

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?" Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime
and other's for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."So you see
my dear sweet one,
your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.

by Jennifer Wasik

Happy almost birthday Kate and Riley, mom and dad love and miss you every day with every bit our our hearts.