Monday, February 05, 2007

Dear Abby...

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today a woman on SG posted a letter written to Dear Abby about the fact the she and her co-workers are APPALLED at the picture another co-worker keeps at her desk of her stillborn baby. Unfortunately Abby made a big mistake and said that the picture was inappropriate. I wrote Abby a letter telling her how wrong she was, then I read the letters that some of my friends on SG had written and they put mine to shame. So today I want to share them with you:

This one is from Sara, her baby is Miles

I am writing in response to "Appalled" and your reply to her. As the mother of a stillborn son, I would like to share with you some of the things that have made me "uncomfortable" since his birth and death: 1.Hearing, just a few weeks after my son's death, a coworker's long and very detailed story of her daughter's happy birth experience. 2. Hearing and seeing the two newborns in our building 3. Hearing several times, and just the other day, a discussion about an upcoming birth and the things they need to buy the baby, while I cringe, and think to myself, "not all babies come home, even when all appears to be well with mom and child". These are just some of the "uncomfortable" things mothers of stillborn children have to put up with. I think Appalled can live with it. I understand her discomfort, she doesn't know this pain (lucky her) however, she doesn't have to look at the picture and I think she should try to show some sensitivity to her coworker's situation.

Perhaps her coworker has the photo on display in hopes that SOMEONE, anyone, will acknowledge her loss and her baby. It hurt (and still hurts) that no one asked what my son looked like or weighed, that I never get to tell people about his soft black hair, like his father's in color, but mine in texture, or how he got saddled with my chin and his father's nose. Maybe if someone did reach out to her coworker in this way, it would also improve her coworker's behaviour?

Appalled is wrong and you are wrong, Abby. Stillbirth happens to 26,000 women in the U.S. every year. We are mothers like any other and deserve to be proud of our photos like any other parent. I highly advise both of you to go to the website missingangels.org and see their gallery of photos of stillborn babies and then you will see how beautiful all our babies really are. And I finish with this, on Appalled's rationale, should parents of children who are "different" or "disfigured in some way also not display their pictures?

Sign me,
a loving and proud photo displaying mom


This one is from Vicki, her baby is Andrew

In reference to your "advice" about the picture of a stillborn baby at work, God gave us a wonderful thing... It's called eye lids, if we don't wish to see something we can close our eyes or even avert our gaze.
Life had been hard enough for "Madge" without her feeling ostracised by her workmates, or problems raised with her boss. I have experienced a stillbirth, and know from experience that validating my lost son is an incredibly important part of grieving.
Judging by the tone of the rest of the letter you received, these workmates have a problem with "Madge" herself, not what she keeps on her desk. Perhaps you should have addressed this problem as well.
If you had a child with a disfigurement, would you keep their photo in a drawer?!? Or would you proudly display your loved child for all the world to see?
Please feel free to email me, or one of the others I'm sure will respond to your advice. Or have a look at www.silentgrief.com one of the leading sites for people who have experienced the loss of a child, and see how deep peoples emotions for their lost child are.

Girls, I want you to know I am proud of you and I love you. I would never let someone make me feel ashamed of you and I hope that Dear Abby learns her lesson. Maybe some of our friends want to write to her too. They can write her here.

love,
Mom

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for speaking out. More then 30,000 babies die each year. Can you imagine? Those that don't get to bring there baby home from the hospital are suffering from the moment they give birth to their silent baby on the Labor and Delivery floor,the floor where all the other mothers of healthy babies are. Not only are these mothers and fathers grieving for their lose, but they hearing the celibration of life all around them. And belive me when I say they will continue in some form or other for the rest of their lives to suffer for the lose of that child that are living without. Shame on Dear Abby and all those that feel the same.

Shirleen Rodriguez
The National Stillbirth Society
stillnomore.com

Anonymous said...

Brooke, your mother wrote this letter to Dear Abbey:

Your letter to "appalled" who was upset at the photo of her coworker's stillborn child was off track. I understand the discomfort her co-worker must feel, but where is the compassion and kindness? If she is uncomfortable, she can avert her eyes. My daughter just had stillborn twins. We are very glad that the hospital was sensitive enough to acknowledge their birth and dignify their short life by wrapping them in little pink blankets, placing tiny caps on their heads, and allowing their parents a time to bond and, yes, take photos. My daughter went through 12 hours of labor just like any other mother. She never was able to have the joy of hearing their the first cry. Her first trip out was to the mortuary. She should be able to gaze at the photo of her darling girls for as long as it gives her comfort. When someone asks me about the number of grandchildren I have, my two angel granddaughters are always included in the count.

Proud Grandmother in Sugar Land, TX

sherri said...

We have four children - Our oldest is 29 (my stepson), Our second would have been 24 (my son passed at 3 months), Our third would have been 20 (my stepson passed at 9), and our baby now 7 (Our daughter). In our home you will find photos, albums and videos of all our children. In my things is a special case with a photo of my son which 24 years later i still carry enclosed with it is a "dear abby" column about a child who died and how the nurses were kind enough to take pictures of the babe and it is the only picture they had of their baby. Abby might have forgotten this column but i still carry it. All children should be remembered. Our daughter knows about all her brothers and remembers them all.