Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Its been six months

Dear Kate and Riley,

Today it has been six months since we said hello and goodbye. I can't believe six months has passed. It really feels like yesterday in so many ways. Yesterday on my way home from work I tried really hard to remember every detail about holding you. I tried to remember how it felt to hold you, how fragile you were in my arms and the little details of your faces. I can so vividly remember your tiny ears and your noses. I miss you every day. Not an hour goes past that I don't have a thought of you. I still get so sad when I see a baby girl. I wish that right now I was writing about the cute little things you do and all that you are learning. I am sure you are doing cute things and learning, I just don't get to be with you. It still seems so unfair sometimes. Its not one of those things that you get to look back on and think "oh that was for the best". I really don't understand how something like this can be for the best. I think the best thing would be for you to be here with us. But for some reason there was another plan for our family. For some reason you needed to be there and we needed to be here. I do have faith that some day I'll understand. Some day I think that this time I've spent without you will seem like such a small amount of time. Some day when I have a different perspective on eternity.
I do know that losing you has changed me. In some ways I have changed for the better and in some ways for the worse. I think that overall I have learned and grown in a way that I never thought I would (or never knew I would have to) since you died. These are some of the things I have learned:
I have a strong strong testimony of eternal families
I am stronger than I ever thought I could be
I love your dad more than I ever thought I could
I have a wonderful and supportive family and group of friends
I have something in common with wonderful strong women all across the world who have sadly experienced the same tragedy that I have
I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants me to be happy even though He sends me challenges and trials
I have a Savior, Jesus Christ who died for me and who will make it possible for me to be with my family again some day
I can never take anything in my life for granted. Nothing is guaranteed.

Some of these things I knew before but I KNOW them now. I appreciate things I never appreciated before, I understand life in such a different way than I ever have before.

Thank you girls for everything you have taught me and continue to teach me. I love you so much.

Love,
Mom

3 comments:

Danielle said...

Hi Brooke,
I signed up on the Silent Grief message board and clicked your link to your blog. I've cried reading all of your posts. They are such beautiful entries to your daughters. I will continue to pray that the Lord blesses and keeps your beautiful baby boy happy and healthy. I know you have two gorgeous daughters in Heaven who are watching over you and him with Jesus. :-)

I was reading your post at the message board about finding it difficult to purchase anything for the new baby. I am in the SAME EXACT situation! Tonight I made the first purchase as well! A diaper bag (yeah, go me) :-) It was a big step. My husband is SO EAGER to get things and there is a part of me that is still so hesitant. I will tell you one thing, this is the hardest test of patience and faith that God has ever given me. But I know that He is looking out for all of us. What a wonderful blessing we have in knowing our Creator.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. We are only a couple of weeks apart in our "journeys" so I hope that you keep me updated. You are BEAUTIFUL and your babies and future baby is going to be beautiful as well. :-)

Be blessed!
Love in Christ,
Danielle Maziarz
Aka- random person who comes and posts on random peoples' blogs :-)

Ashlynn {mamabear} said...

HI Brooke ~ I came to your blog a few months ago & I too cried reading your entries. I couldn't remember how I got to your blog (randomly blog surfing) & I just found it again (Liz's blog).

Anyway ~ Congrats on being pregnant with a baby boy!

p.s. I don't relate so much to your story, but in a small way I feel a connection. I have been married 7 1/2 years & miscarried 2 years ago. No babies yet ~ but maybe year 8 will bring us one. :)

Lisa Webb said...

Hey Brooke, So I've been reading your blog posts and now that I am totally crying I am just amazed at what an amazing mom you are. I am so touched i have no words. I am so sorry that everytime we get together somehow we start talking about the girls I know that must be so difficult for you but your strength amazes me. I can feel your strong testimony and it strengthens mine. So selfish. I am thankful for becoming friends with you over the past few months. I can't wait to meet Zachary and to share some of those crazy fun mommy moments with you.
You, Aaron, Riley, Kate, and Zach are in our prayers.
xoxo lisa