Celebrating your birthday

Dear Kate and Riley,

I hope you had a good first birthday in heaven. I was a little nervous for how I would feel today but I would say it has been a pretty good day of remembering for us. Dad stayed home from work which is always nice and we went to the cemetery together. We brought a balloon and some candles and flowers to put at your stone. Dad teased me because I bought such a big balloon and it was a windy day but I wanted only the best for my girls. After the cemetery we just spent the day together as a family, we had to take Zach to the doctor so I decided the donation would have to wait for tomorrow. Well, I was glad that it worked out this way because tonight some of my dear sweet friends, Barbara, Sara and Megan, brought over some more toys to add to the donation as well as a cake to celebrate your angel day. It was SO sweet and it reminded me how blessed we are to have such wonderful friends who have always been there for us in so many ways. I blew out your candles for you and we ate your cake and I like to think that you were there with us. Later when Zachary was awake we looked at the toys they had brought to donate and it made me so happy that there would be even more lives touched because of yours. I will add the toys to the ones we buy and take some pictures before we donate them.

Also, Grandma Janice surprised us and ordered a little bench that we can put in the front patio to always remember you. I think it will be so nice to have to have at the house. We have really been blessed also by our loving family who always remember you and know you are an important part of our lives.

I hope you had a wonderful day today. I miss you and love you SO much.
Love,
Mom

Megan, Barbara, Kaden and Sara with your cake and presents to donate

Picture of the top of the bench that grandma ordered

Mom and Zach at the cemetery

Happy First Birthday

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today is your birthday. On SG a lot of times we call it your Angel Day, because you were born angels. I have to be honest I have so much dreaded writing this post all week. I knew I would write one for your birthday but I wanted it to be poignant and I have nothing poignant to say. I wish I knew just the right thing to say to honor you on your birthday. I will write again later today or tomorrow to let you know what we did but our plan is to visit the cemetery and put something special there for your birthday and take Zachary there for the first time. I also want to buy a gift or two for you but donate it to a child your same age. I think that will be a good way to remember you and in the future to help your siblings be involved in your birthday. I want to buy something for you every year and then donate it.

I guess as I look back on the last year its hard to believe its been a year and yet so much has happened. I have cried a lot, learned a lot and grown a lot. I was just remembering the other day how I used to cry so hard every night and I wondered I really really wondered if there would ever be a night that I didn't cry myself to sleep. I wondered if I could ever feel happy again. I wondered if I would ever feel like a whole person again. I am glad that here, a year later, I can say that I don't cry myself to sleep any more, I still cry sometimes but not nearly as often. I have felt true joy as we have welcomed Zachary into our lives. But I still feel a hole. I still feel that there is a missing part of our family. I still wonder what if and get sad but I feel like you have become an important part of our family in your own way. I know that might sound weird but I feel that your memory and your loss inspires us to be better people. It makes us more appreciative for what we have. There has not been a night that has passed that Dad and I don't pray for you. Every night we pray that we will be worthy to live together as a family some day. You make us want to be better so that we can be an eternal family. You make us ever more grateful for the atonement of Christ and the promise we have that we will be together forever some day. You make us understand the concept of opposition. I never could have appreciated my family the same way had I not experienced loss.

I can't sit here and say that I am grateful for learning these things in this way but I think that we have taken this experience and learned everything we can. I know that your lives have touched more than just ours, so many others through this blog, through SG, and from knowing dad and I have been touched by you. I feel your presence in our lives and in our home. I try to never fail to mention you or acknowledge your important place in our family. I am proud to be your mom. I am proud that we have come so far in this past year. I feel like I can talk about you without being sad. I can happily think of the day that Zachary will be old enough to understand that he has older sisters that watch over him.

I hope that today you get to have a big big celebration in heaven. I am sure that you have so many angel friends, your grandma Linda, many of your great grandparents and other family members who will gather around with you and celebrate this special day.

I love you so much. Dad loves you too. Every time I see Zachary staring up to heaven and smiling I know he loves you too. Happy Birthday angel girls.

love,
Mom

Firsts and Lasts

Dear Kate and Riley,

As we brought Zachary home, we got closer to the time we lost you. Every one of his "firsts" have been bitter sweet as they would have also been your firsts had you been here and they were also your lasts since this time last year you were still with us.
As we experience firsts with Zach I find myself very wistful. I wonder often what it would be like to do this with two babies, or how it would be different with girls instead of boy. I have to say as I spend sleepless nights I wonder how I could have ever done this with two babies but I am sure we would have found a way. I also think a lot about how old you would have been right now and how your first Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc. would have been different than Zach's because he is so young and you would have been much older for all the same firsts.
Here are some of Zach's firsts...

First Halloween, costume was a little big!

First BYU/U of U football Game
Sorry Grandpa Ross, Cougars won!

First trip to the beach/First Thanksgiving

First visit with Santa

Love,
Mom

Mom's Dilema

Dear Kate and Riley,

Well I have been chastised for not writing more on this blog. I have to say the reason has been that I feel very conflicted over it. I feel guilty I guess if it becomes more about Zachary than it does about you. At the same time, if I kept this blog to write you letters about what is going on in our lives or the things I wanted you to know about, your brother would certainly fall into that category. So I keep debating, write what I want on this blog, don't worry if its light hearted and not serious or sad, after all you wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life grieving; or just have a different blog, one that is more like my friends' blogs where its more about our lives now. Neither seems "just right". But I decided that it is ok for this blog to be about our family and our lives that have had to carry on without you. I know you will always have a very strong presence in our lives so I want to write about our lives on this blog and still dedicate each post to you, even though each one may not be about you.

love,
Mom