Your Bench is Here!

Dear Kate and Riley,
The bench that Grandma Janice ordered for us for your first birthday is here. It is SO pretty and it looks perfect in our little front flower bed. I wasn't sure how I'd feel to walk by and see it every day but I really love it and it makes me happy and not sad. I love having a reminder of you for everyone who comes to our home to see. I know it will always be a special part of our home.
love,
Mom

Could you help mom out a little?

Dear Kate and Riley,
Your little brother is THREE months old! He is getting bigger every day, I can't believe how fast it is going by. This time last year is when I first found out I was pregnant. It was such a scary time. This is where YOU come in. Little Zachary had been doing a GREAT job of sleeping right before Christmas. I was feeling GOOD and getting a lot done and just feeling all around happy. I thought you were doing a really good job of watching over your baby brother and helping him sleep well at night. Well, what happened!? Zachary has stopped sleeping at night. He is waking up every half hour to hour all night long. I am so tired! I don't know what to do so I was hoping you could help me out and come hang out in his room and remind him how to sleep for 8 hours in a row again!

As for other things, Zachary is more fun every day. He is laughing a lot and that is my favorite thing in the whole world. He is getting so big I think he might just skip over 3-6 month clothes. He just grew out of his 0-3 clothes in the past week or so but now the 3-6 are already looking a little small! He rolled over from his tummy to his back too, I think it was an accident but we'll just call him "advanced" for now.

Other than trying to get Zachary to sleep, I am working hard at getting back into shape. After WAY too much time spent pregnant, I am a long way from the girl your dad married. There isn't much I can do about the stretch marks, but I am working on everything else. I got a jogging stroller for Christmas and Zach and I (and sometimes Bella) go running most days. (even the ones when I only get three hours of sleep!). Jessica is the one who got me into this mess and we started another blog about our running adventures here.

Merry Christmas

Dear Kate and Riley,
I hope you had a good second Christmas in heaven. We were thinking about you here. It was Zachary's first Christmas and it was much easier on mom than last year when your loss was so new and fresh. We talked about you and missed you but we felt your presence and knew you were watching over us. Grandma Janice got two little angel ornaments (I meant to take pictures but forgot). We put the ornaments on the tree on Christmas eve and remembered that you were watching over us. It was really special and made me really happy. I am glad we started that new tradition and am excited for the years when Zachary and his cousins are old enough to talk about you and put your angel ornaments on the tree on Christmas Eve.

This was also the first Christmas for your cousins, Summer and Ali. I haven't talked about them before because their arrival (only a few months after we lost you) was really hard for me. We were so excited for our two sets of twins and its hard now that you two aren't here. I am glad though that Zachary will have his twin cousins here so he will have a little taste of what it might have been like to have you around. It was crazy and fun to have all the babies at Grandma and Grandpa's and I can't imagine what it would have been like if you were here too!

Zachary was a little too little to know what was going on for Christmas but mom and dad had fun dressing him up like santa and opening his presents for him. He had fun with his aunts and uncles and started laughing a lot (uncle Clint was really good at getting him to) which was really fun.

Merry Christmas late my angels.
Love,
Mom

Celebrating your birthday

Dear Kate and Riley,

I hope you had a good first birthday in heaven. I was a little nervous for how I would feel today but I would say it has been a pretty good day of remembering for us. Dad stayed home from work which is always nice and we went to the cemetery together. We brought a balloon and some candles and flowers to put at your stone. Dad teased me because I bought such a big balloon and it was a windy day but I wanted only the best for my girls. After the cemetery we just spent the day together as a family, we had to take Zach to the doctor so I decided the donation would have to wait for tomorrow. Well, I was glad that it worked out this way because tonight some of my dear sweet friends, Barbara, Sara and Megan, brought over some more toys to add to the donation as well as a cake to celebrate your angel day. It was SO sweet and it reminded me how blessed we are to have such wonderful friends who have always been there for us in so many ways. I blew out your candles for you and we ate your cake and I like to think that you were there with us. Later when Zachary was awake we looked at the toys they had brought to donate and it made me so happy that there would be even more lives touched because of yours. I will add the toys to the ones we buy and take some pictures before we donate them.

Also, Grandma Janice surprised us and ordered a little bench that we can put in the front patio to always remember you. I think it will be so nice to have to have at the house. We have really been blessed also by our loving family who always remember you and know you are an important part of our lives.

I hope you had a wonderful day today. I miss you and love you SO much.
Love,
Mom

Megan, Barbara, Kaden and Sara with your cake and presents to donate

Picture of the top of the bench that grandma ordered

Mom and Zach at the cemetery

Happy First Birthday

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today is your birthday. On SG a lot of times we call it your Angel Day, because you were born angels. I have to be honest I have so much dreaded writing this post all week. I knew I would write one for your birthday but I wanted it to be poignant and I have nothing poignant to say. I wish I knew just the right thing to say to honor you on your birthday. I will write again later today or tomorrow to let you know what we did but our plan is to visit the cemetery and put something special there for your birthday and take Zachary there for the first time. I also want to buy a gift or two for you but donate it to a child your same age. I think that will be a good way to remember you and in the future to help your siblings be involved in your birthday. I want to buy something for you every year and then donate it.

I guess as I look back on the last year its hard to believe its been a year and yet so much has happened. I have cried a lot, learned a lot and grown a lot. I was just remembering the other day how I used to cry so hard every night and I wondered I really really wondered if there would ever be a night that I didn't cry myself to sleep. I wondered if I could ever feel happy again. I wondered if I would ever feel like a whole person again. I am glad that here, a year later, I can say that I don't cry myself to sleep any more, I still cry sometimes but not nearly as often. I have felt true joy as we have welcomed Zachary into our lives. But I still feel a hole. I still feel that there is a missing part of our family. I still wonder what if and get sad but I feel like you have become an important part of our family in your own way. I know that might sound weird but I feel that your memory and your loss inspires us to be better people. It makes us more appreciative for what we have. There has not been a night that has passed that Dad and I don't pray for you. Every night we pray that we will be worthy to live together as a family some day. You make us want to be better so that we can be an eternal family. You make us ever more grateful for the atonement of Christ and the promise we have that we will be together forever some day. You make us understand the concept of opposition. I never could have appreciated my family the same way had I not experienced loss.

I can't sit here and say that I am grateful for learning these things in this way but I think that we have taken this experience and learned everything we can. I know that your lives have touched more than just ours, so many others through this blog, through SG, and from knowing dad and I have been touched by you. I feel your presence in our lives and in our home. I try to never fail to mention you or acknowledge your important place in our family. I am proud to be your mom. I am proud that we have come so far in this past year. I feel like I can talk about you without being sad. I can happily think of the day that Zachary will be old enough to understand that he has older sisters that watch over him.

I hope that today you get to have a big big celebration in heaven. I am sure that you have so many angel friends, your grandma Linda, many of your great grandparents and other family members who will gather around with you and celebrate this special day.

I love you so much. Dad loves you too. Every time I see Zachary staring up to heaven and smiling I know he loves you too. Happy Birthday angel girls.

love,
Mom

Firsts and Lasts

Dear Kate and Riley,

As we brought Zachary home, we got closer to the time we lost you. Every one of his "firsts" have been bitter sweet as they would have also been your firsts had you been here and they were also your lasts since this time last year you were still with us.
As we experience firsts with Zach I find myself very wistful. I wonder often what it would be like to do this with two babies, or how it would be different with girls instead of boy. I have to say as I spend sleepless nights I wonder how I could have ever done this with two babies but I am sure we would have found a way. I also think a lot about how old you would have been right now and how your first Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc. would have been different than Zach's because he is so young and you would have been much older for all the same firsts.
Here are some of Zach's firsts...

First Halloween, costume was a little big!

First BYU/U of U football Game
Sorry Grandpa Ross, Cougars won!

First trip to the beach/First Thanksgiving

First visit with Santa

Love,
Mom

Mom's Dilema

Dear Kate and Riley,

Well I have been chastised for not writing more on this blog. I have to say the reason has been that I feel very conflicted over it. I feel guilty I guess if it becomes more about Zachary than it does about you. At the same time, if I kept this blog to write you letters about what is going on in our lives or the things I wanted you to know about, your brother would certainly fall into that category. So I keep debating, write what I want on this blog, don't worry if its light hearted and not serious or sad, after all you wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life grieving; or just have a different blog, one that is more like my friends' blogs where its more about our lives now. Neither seems "just right". But I decided that it is ok for this blog to be about our family and our lives that have had to carry on without you. I know you will always have a very strong presence in our lives so I want to write about our lives on this blog and still dedicate each post to you, even though each one may not be about you.

love,
Mom

A Poem for your Baby Brother

Dear Kate and Riley,
A little while after we lost you dad and I decided to try to get pregnant again. We were so scared and nervous but we knew we had to try again. While we were waiting for your brother someone from SG posted this poem. I knew that it was a special poem and that it would be special to us if we were able to have a baby after losing you. I saved it on my computer so that I could put it up here when our next baby got here safely. I am so happy to be able to put the poem up finally. I feel like losing you has made us appreciate Zachary so much more and he will always be special as our baby who came after a loss. I feel like you and he will always have a special connection since he wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost you. It is a strange feeling but I do hope that someday he understands how special he is and feels a connection and a relationship to you, his big sisters. I also hope that you understand that you will never be forgotten.

A Different Child

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan

Love,
Mom

Zachary Aaron is here!!

Dear Kate and Riley,

Your baby brother is finally here! Last Friday, October 12th at 12:10 pm Zachary Aaron O'Farrell entered the world. Dad and I went to the hospital Friday morning at 6 am so I could be induced. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I just couldn't believe that we were really going to have a baby that day and part of me was still scared that something was going to go wrong.

Around 7 am they started pitocen, the medicine to make me contract. About an hour later the doctor came in and broke my water. I spent a lot of time watching Zachary's heart rate on the monitor but he was doing really well the whole time. After a little bit my contractions started getting really intense so I called the nurse and asked if I could get my epidural. I was worried because when I had you my epidural didn't work so well. This time though was totally different, it worked great and I didn't feel ANY pain after that! I was so happy!

An hour after I got my epidural the nurse came in and said we were ready to push, I couldn't believe it, I was thinking it would take hours longer but here we were and it wasn't even lunch time! We had to wait for the doctor to get there and hope that Grandma Janice would make it in time, she was still on the road!

Around 11:30 the doctor arrived and we got ready to push. I still couldn't feel anything so it was kind of tough but I would have rather had it that way than have it hurt! We were getting close but Zack was sunny side up so the doctor had to get the vacuum to help get him out. Once she got the vacuum on his head it was only one more set of pushes and he was out! I couldn't believe it I just kept looking at him and his little cry was the best sound I had ever heard. I was so happy that your baby brother was here safe and sound. I really feel like you got to be in the room with us that day to watch him come into the world.

Here are some pictures of Zachary, he is so lucky to have you watching over him. I think he looks a lot like you. I would stare at him in the hospital that first night and I really felt like he looked like you. Please continue to watch over him.

Love, Mom




Zack's first bath

Zack and mommy, day 2 in the hospital


Zack and mommy meet

A few more days!

Dear Kate and Riley,
I can't believe it but in just a few short days your baby brother, Zachary, will be here! It has gone by so slow and yet so fast at the same time. I can't believe you've been gone almost a year. I can't believe I've made it through ANOTHER 38 weeks of pregnancy (that makes us at 65 total and Thursday will make 66). I honestly cannot remember what it feels like NOT to be pregnant, I am really looking forward to getting my body back, but it has been worth all the sacrifices. You girls have done a really good job of watching over Zachary while he's been inside of me and I know you will be his guardian angels once he is here. We will let him know all the time what a lucky little boy he is to have not one but two angel sisters watching over him.

Dad and I had been stumped on a name for most of my pregnancy. I had liked Zachary all along and we had thrown a few other names around a little too but I felt like I needed something significant to help me decide. I was waiting for some kind of sign or something to tell me what this special baby's name should be. One day I was watching a show and the lady on it was talking about how she had cancer and they didn't know if they'd ever be able to have kids. They decided to try and were able to have a son and they named him Zachary because it means "God Remembers". When I heard that I started crying and I knew that it was the perfect name for our baby boy too. Even though I don't think that God has ever FORGOTTEN us, I do feel like having this special blessing of a new baby has shown us that God does remember us and has found a way to answer our prayers of having a family here on earth with us. I wish we could all be together but I know that your spirits will linger near as you pass baby Zachary on to Mom and Dad. I think you will be sad to see your baby brother come down to earth, but I think you will also be very happy to look down and see your family so happy.

Zachary could get here any day but Friday is the day I'm going to be induced if he doesn't come before then. I am so nervous and excited all at the same time. I promise to write about everything as soon as he gets here!

love,
Mom

A Little Scare...

Dear Kate and Riley,
I've wanted to be better about writing and it turns out I think I'll have a lot more time in the coming weeks. Your baby brother has been growing well and I have to say I was getting pretty confident about the fact that he will get here safely. I had really begun to relax. My doctor (the one that delivered you) has been so wonderful about checking on him and I had started going to the hospital twice a week for extra testing. The testing was going so well I wondered if it was even something that I needed to do but I did appreciate the reassurance.

Well last week, along with starting back to work and being really busy, I went in for my appointment at the hospital and your brother's amniotic fluid was really low. I can't tell you how it felt to sit in that room and wonder if I was going to have to bury another child. I knew I wasn't possibly strong enough for that. But at the same time, I felt a peace that things were going to be ok. I was at the hospital, we were on a monitor, I could see his little heart beating away, strong as ever. I was admitted to antepartum in the hopes that giving me a bunch of fluid through an IV would help the baby's fluid go up. My doctor told me to be prepared to possibly have to stay in the hospital the rest of the pregnancy (6 weeks, yikes!). I was upset but also knew that they were being very careful. The doctor said she could not send me home again without a baby in my arms. I am so glad that she is taking such good care of us.

The hospital was no fun. It was a little difficult to be back there, a lot of sad memories, it was boring and I wanted to go back to not being worried. After two days the perinatologist came and measured the baby's fluid again and it had gone back up to a normal level. He said he felt good about letting me go home but not letting me go back to work. So, here we are back at home, drinking 4 liters of water a day, and resting a lot.

I got to see your brother a lot on ultrasounds. I think he will look like you. He is a lot bigger than you now, he's passed you up by almost 7 weeks. I'm starting to feel like I have been pregnant forever. As long as your brother keeps doing well on the tests (twice a week again), he will stay inside but the doctor said he is big enough that if he does need to come out he can. That makes me feel good. I really think he's going to get here safely. I think that he is lucky to have his sisters watching over him. I really felt your presence in the hospital, like you were there watching over us. I know you will get to be there when he is born and I'm excited for that spiritual moment when all of our family will be together at one time. Watch over us and tell your brother to stay put and to keep kicking me a lot so I know he's ok.

love,
mom

Our "trip"

Dear Kate and Riley,
Since we lost you I have joined a few different groups for support. One is Silent Grief which I've talked about on here a lot. My friends from SG have really gotten me through the months since losing you. I don't think I could have made as much progress as I have or stayed sane at all if it hadn't been for the other women on SG. Another group that I joined is called LAMBS, it is specifically for women who have lost all of their multiples. LAMBS is different from SG, I haven't connected with as many people there but I like it because more than just losing a baby, those women know the pain and sadness of losing more than one baby at a time. The loss of multiples I think is its own kind of sadness because its something that was just so anticipated as being different and special. I know that no matter how many babies we go on to have, we will most likely never get the chance again to have two babies at one time. Sometimes I mourn that chance. I am to the point in my grief where I can hold babies, watch baby shows on tv and be pretty much normal, but I still change the channel whenever twins come on. I still get sad when I see twins at the mall or anywhere else.
Today someone on LAMBS posted this little analogy that I had read before in relation to having a child with a disability. I had never thought of it as relating to us but when I read it again today I realized that it did and it made me feel good. I think that our journey to parenthood has been very very different from what we anticipated and expected but there have been good things from this journey, I have grown, I have met people I would never have met before and I have changed but I am coming to terms more and more that this is our journey and we need to take it for what it is....

"Welcome to Holland"

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation
trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful
plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may
learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your
bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess
comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm
supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and
there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just
a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have
met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than
Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath,
you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has
windmills...

and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all
bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of
your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what
I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...
because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to
Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely
things ... about Holland.

- Emily Pearl Kingsley

Your stone is in....

Dear Kate and Riley,

I haven't written on here in two months. I feel bad but I think it is also good, I have been distracted with summer vacation and thinking about your brother. It doesn't mean I don't think of you, I do often. We got a call this morning that your headstone had been placed at the cemetery. Daddy and I went after church to take a look. The picture is not as clear as I'd hoped but I am very happy that there is something there now so everyone who comes to the cemetery knows that is your spot.

Dad and I chose a scripture from Moroni for your headstone. We liked what it said, "All little children are alive in Christ" I felt that it went well with the picture we had chosen and I liked that it was a Book of Mormon scripture, I wanted people who saw it to know what we believed. We know that little children are perfect, I know that you didn't have to be baptized because you are already perfect, you never got the chance to sin. I know that is why we need to work extra hard in this life so we can all be together as a family some day.

I will have to write again and update you on our summer. Dad and I went to see Grandma O'Farrell in Virginia and had a good time. I am taking the summer off from working, just resting and trying to take really good care of your baby brother. He is doing well so far. We just made it past the point where we lost you. I was so scared for those weeks but I'm starting to feel a little better. I really am starting to believe that your brother is going to make it here safely. It will be a bittersweet day when he arrives. I think about it often. I think about going back to the same hospital where you were born. I think about how similar and how different it will be all at once. I think about what it might feel like to leave this hospital without empty arms. It is exciting and scary all at once.

Watch over us, watch over your baby brother. I know that he will be so lucky to have two sisters to always watch over him. I am working on your baby book right now so that we will have something to show him so he will grow up knowing who you are. I know that you will be wonderful big sisters even though you can't be here.

love,
Mom

Its been six months

Dear Kate and Riley,

Today it has been six months since we said hello and goodbye. I can't believe six months has passed. It really feels like yesterday in so many ways. Yesterday on my way home from work I tried really hard to remember every detail about holding you. I tried to remember how it felt to hold you, how fragile you were in my arms and the little details of your faces. I can so vividly remember your tiny ears and your noses. I miss you every day. Not an hour goes past that I don't have a thought of you. I still get so sad when I see a baby girl. I wish that right now I was writing about the cute little things you do and all that you are learning. I am sure you are doing cute things and learning, I just don't get to be with you. It still seems so unfair sometimes. Its not one of those things that you get to look back on and think "oh that was for the best". I really don't understand how something like this can be for the best. I think the best thing would be for you to be here with us. But for some reason there was another plan for our family. For some reason you needed to be there and we needed to be here. I do have faith that some day I'll understand. Some day I think that this time I've spent without you will seem like such a small amount of time. Some day when I have a different perspective on eternity.
I do know that losing you has changed me. In some ways I have changed for the better and in some ways for the worse. I think that overall I have learned and grown in a way that I never thought I would (or never knew I would have to) since you died. These are some of the things I have learned:
I have a strong strong testimony of eternal families
I am stronger than I ever thought I could be
I love your dad more than I ever thought I could
I have a wonderful and supportive family and group of friends
I have something in common with wonderful strong women all across the world who have sadly experienced the same tragedy that I have
I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and wants me to be happy even though He sends me challenges and trials
I have a Savior, Jesus Christ who died for me and who will make it possible for me to be with my family again some day
I can never take anything in my life for granted. Nothing is guaranteed.

Some of these things I knew before but I KNOW them now. I appreciate things I never appreciated before, I understand life in such a different way than I ever have before.

Thank you girls for everything you have taught me and continue to teach me. I love you so much.

Love,
Mom

You are Getting A....

can you guess what I am?
Dear Kate and Riley,

This week Dad and I found out that you will be getting a .... BROTHER! We went in for our 19 week ultrasound and there he was, showing his stuff to anyone who wanted to look, he certainly wasn't shy. So far everything looks good he is nice and healthy. I have had mixed reactions about having a boy next but I think it will be good. I will be so sad to pack away all of the things we bought for you but at the same time I think it will be good to have some separation between you and the new baby. I don't want him to feel like he is a replacement baby and I wouldn't want you to feel that either. It is a weird feeling to know that this baby wouldn't even exist if you hadn't died. A strange mix of emotions. I feel like I want you back so bad but at the same time I already love this new baby so I want him too but I know that it would have been impossible to have both. We are nearing the six month mark since we lost you and I think there will be a lot of emotions next week. It is a scary thing to be pregnant, I get so scared before every appointment because I think that this one might be the one where I get bad news. The doctor is very confident that this baby will get here safely so I am trying hard to have faith.

Watch over your little brother girls. Oh and if you have any name ideas whisper them in my ear at night because your dad and I are stumped!

Love,
Mom

Mother's Day

Dear Kate and Riley,
I feel like I've been a slacker mom when it comes to this blog but pregnancy and teaching are a hard combo! Last Sunday was Mother's day and it was a rough weekend. I couldn't bear to go to church and listen to everyone talk about motherhood so I stayed in the house most of the day. Dad was really nice and made breakfast for aunt Jenny and I. He also sent me pretty flowers which were the same flowers I had picked to send to my own mom, I guess dad knows my taste pretty well by now! He is getting really good at sending flowers and writing cards that make me cry, I wish he didn't have so many reasons to.

On Saturday dad and I picked out flowers to bring to the cemetery. I found some tiny pink roses just like the ones on your casket during your service. I loved them and there was only one bunch of them, I felt like they were there just for me. I was happy to bring them to the cemetery on Sunday. I had never seen anyone else in the infant part of the cemetery when I was there even though I know other parents go there often because there are always flowers and other decorations on the babies' graves. On Sunday though we saw two other families and my heart reached out to those families on such a sad day that should have been a happy one. When we got to the cemetery there weren't any people with vases like there sometimes are so I just laid the flowers on the ground. We weren't too happy with that and as we were about to leave dad saw a vase in the bushes. It was a pink vase that I had brought to the cemetery on Valentine's day! I had come back another time to throw the flowers away and take the vase home but I had accidentally left the vase on the ground. Someone must have put it in the bushes instead of throwing it away and there it was for us to use again.

Someone on my LAMBS group which is a support group for people who have lost all of their multiples at birth, posted this poem today which I really loved but I don't know who wrote it...

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

We are writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea - we see everything from here.
We just popped in to visit your stores to find a card
A card of love for our mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake we thought,
you had every card you could imagine
Except we could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where we reside
We had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

We thought that if we wrote you, that you would come to know
that though we live in heaven now, we still love my mother so.

She talks with us, and dreams with us; we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries us in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor us, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in our garden, there our living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as
well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though we no longer live on earth
we must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, we know you'll do your best
we have done all we can do; to you we'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to us
Until we can do it for ourselves, when she joins us in eternal bliss.

The MISS foundation

Dear Kate and Riley,
I was surprised after you died to find out how few people really knew about stillbirth or that it happened and how few organizations there were out there that raised money for research of stillbirth and offered support for families dealing with this horrible tragedy. Many more babies are stillborn every year than die of SIDS but I found that while everyone seems to have heard of SIDS very few knew what a stillbirth was or that it was so common.

There is a group called the MISS foundation which provides support and raises money for issues dealing with stillbirth. They are currently fighting a battle that I find so meaningful. They are trying to push through the MISSing Angels bill so that parents like your dad and I can get a birth certificate for our stillborn children. Currently, several states have passed the bill and offer a certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth to the parents of stillborn babies. Some states have not passed the bill yet. I hope that all of the states eventually pass the bill and that the parents of angels, the mothers who not only labored and gave birth but also grieved and mourned are given the validation that we are parents too.

Announcing...

Dear Kate and Riley,
Sorry mommy has been MIA the past few weeks! I haven't forgotten about you. On the contrary, I think about you EVERY single day. Its just that I have been SO tired and sick and hmmm, what does that sound like? Well I have a feeling YOU two already know but you are getting a brother or sister!

Dad and I are excited and scared at the same time. I got pregnant REALLY fast. I want you to know I wasn't trying to replace you. I knew that a new baby wouldn't make you come back and wouldn't make my heart hurt less for not having you in our lives. But we also knew that a new baby would bring joy into our house again. We were ready for you and we knew that you would want us to have a baby to fill our arms and our hearts since you have to be so far away from us. You will always be our firstborn. You will always be the oldest two in our family and that will never change. I have a feeling that when you got to heaven you were excited for this baby to come down because you knew that he or she would be able to make us happy when you knew we were so sad about losing you.

The new baby is due Oct. 22nd. I hope that the new baby comes early for my birthday! I think it would be a good present. Girls your job is to watch over your mom and this new baby. Keep him safe and make sure we get to take him (or her!) home with us.

Love, Mom


new baby tummy sleeping
13 weeks gestation



new baby profile 13 weeks

Happy Easter

Dear Kate and Riley,

Happy Easter! I have always loved Easter, spring, new life and the promise of a resurrection are some of the best things to celebrate. I was really sad this past week thinking about Easter because I remember shopping with Dad right before we lost you and telling him how excited I was to buy you matching Easter dresses. But Easter isn't really about dresses or eggs or bunnies or any of those things and as the week went on I realized that I should be so happy for Easter this year. What a new and special meaning this holiday has for me.

I am sure they teach you all about Easter in heaven. I am sure it is a day of much celebration because you and the other angels in heaven are reminded that, like Christ, you too will take up your bodies again one day and be resurrected. We will all live again. That gives me a reason to hope and to carry on and to be happy.

I want to share with you one of my favorite songs from when I was in primary. I hope they teach it to you in heaven, I am sure you and all of the other little angels would make such a beautiful choir singing this easter song. These are the words

Did Jesus really live again? Yes when the third day came,
He wakened and he left the tomb, he called Mary's name.
And there were nail prints in His hands and a spear wound in His side?
Did Jesus really live again, after he had died?
Oh yes! And so shall I.

That last line is my favorite and I can really picture you singing that in heaven.

There was a really good message about Easter I want to share part of, it was by President Benson, one of the former prophets of the church...


First Presidency Message
The Meaning of Easter

By President Ezra Taft Benson



Ezra Taft Benson, “The Meaning of Easter,” Ensign, Apr 1992, 2

"I cannot recall a time that I did not believe in Jesus Christ. It seems that the reality of His life, death, and resurrection has always been a part of me. I was reared in a home by faithful parents who earnestly believed in and testified of Christ, for which I am most grateful.

The greatest events of history are those that affect the greatest number of people for the longest periods. By this standard, no event could be more important to individuals or nations than the resurrection of the Master.

The literal resurrection of every soul who has lived and died on earth is a certainty, and surely one should make careful preparation for this event. A glorious resurrection should be the goal of every man and woman, for resurrection will be a reality.

Nothing is more absolutely universal than the resurrection. Every living being will be resurrected. “As in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.” (1 Cor. 15:22.)

The scriptural record tells us that on the third day following Jesus’ crucifixion, there was a great earthquake. The stone was rolled back from the door of the tomb. Some of the women, among the most devoted of His followers, came to the place with spices “and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.”

Angels appeared and said simply, “Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen.” (Luke 24:3–6.) Nothing in history equals that dramatic announcement: “He is not here, but is risen.”


Following His ascension, He appeared to the inhabitants of America as chronicled in the Book of Mormon. Then in modern times the Prophet Joseph Smith testified of the appearance of the Redeemer of the world in these words:

“And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him.” (D&C 76:22–23.)

As one of His latter-day witnesses, I testify that He lives today. He is a resurrected Being. He is our Savior, our Lord, the very Son of God. I testify that He will come again as our glorified, resurrected Lord. That day is not far distant. To all who accept Him as Savior and Lord, His literal resurrection means that life does not end at death, for He promised: “Because I live, ye shall live also.” (John 14:19.)"

So, you can see what a wonderful holiday Easter really is. We are so blessed to know of Christ and His death and resurrection for us. I am so happy to know that I will be with you again some day.

I love you girls, Happy Easter!

love,
Mom

Angel Peyton

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today there is a new baby angel in heaven. Her name is Peyton. Peyton has a sister who is already in heaven named Quinn. I hope that you can find Peyton today and welcome her to heaven. I hope that Peyton and Quinn are able to find a way to comfort their mommy. Their mommy's name is Cass and she found silent grief after she lost her baby Quinn. A few weeks ago Cass told us that Peyton was not growing as fast as she should. Cass was so worried because that is the same thing that happened with Quinn. Surely, we all thought, this would never happen to her again. The boards were full of messages of hope for Cass and Peyton. We all prayed and hoped for Peyton to be ok. Today her mom went in to the doctor and found out Peyton is an angel. She will be born on Wed.
This has been such a sad day on Silent Grief. Most days we are sad but still full of hope. I feel like losing a child has to be one of the worst kinds of pain that there can be, I can't imagine going through it again. I am sending prayers for Cass and her husband. Tell all the angels in heaven to surround them with love.

Love,
Mom