Sorry tomorrow never ends up actually being tomorrow does it? Well its not like I have a lot going on, but writing this does end up being emotionally draining.
Sadly, the first time we got to actually meet you, we really just met your tiny bodies since you were already gone. After you were born and they had stitched me up (ouch!) and the doctor left, the nurse brought you back in. At that point I was pretty exhausted, we hadn't slept, I was tired from giving birth and my memory is fuzzy here. I remember the nurse bringing you in wrapped up and giving you both to me. Kate, you were smaller and Riley you were bigger and it was a little easier to tell what you would have looked like if you were full term. The one thing I really noticed about you were your noses and your mouths. You had these tiny mouths but they weren't just tiny because you were small, they were tiny mouths just like dad's. Even right now when dad is sleeping sometimes his mouth looks JUST like yours. It is funny. Your noses reminded me of your cousins Braden and Myra. I think you would have had the same noses as them.
Holding you was good, it made you seem very real. I have to admit though that I was sort of scared to hold you. I didn't know how I would react and once I was holding you you were SO tiny and fragile I kept worrying that I would break you or something. You seemed like tiny dolls. Kate you weighed 1 lb 3 oz and Riley you weighed 1 lb 10 oz. It was strange that there was such a growth difference because you had always measured exactly the same. The other thing that was strange is that you were the exact same length, 12 1/2 in. So I don't really understand the weight difference. Riley's face was more filled out. Both of you had long fingers, they were so tiny and perfect. Every part of you was perfect.
That early morning dad and I held you for a little while but I was so exhausted and I needed to eat and sleep. The nurses promised we could see you as much as we wanted to while we were there at the hospital. So after a little while they took you away and I ate and slept. Then in the morning they brought you back and this time I must have been more coherent because I remember I cried and cried. Dad and I both took turns holding you a lot, we held each of you individually and we held both of you together. I think that seeing you was very significant for dad because you probably weren't very real to him before he saw you, to me you had been so real for so long since you were inside of me and I felt so connected to you.
We held you that morning and again later that afternoon. I think it was so good for us to get to hold you because it made it real. It was hard for me to "get" that you were gone, that I wasn't pregnant any more, that you weren't waking up, that this wasn't a dream or something like that. Seeing you and holding you helped me to "get it". But it was hard and sad. No one should ever have to do that. No one should give birth and have their own crying be the only crying. No one should have to have silent babies. I don't know why Heavenly Father took you back. I don't know why we didn't get even a minute with you outside of me, were you just too precious to ever even have to leave the safety of my body? Too pure and perfect? I think you needed bodies, we gave you those bodies and that is all that you had to be here for.
The nurses at the hospital were wonderful. They took you away and took pictures of you. They took pictures of us holding you. I am so glad we have those pictures. Of course, now, I wish I had other pictures too but we are lucky because other people I have talked to don't have any or many pictures and we have quite a few.
I slept most of the day and dad went home to take care of Bella and shower. That afternoon we had the nurses bring you back so we could hold you one last time. I didn't want to have bad memories of you and your little bodies were changing the more time you spent outside of me plus you were cold and that made me sad, babies aren't supposed to be cold. So we decided that would be our last time to hold you. But we would say our official goodbyes later at the mortuary.
That night our friends all came again to see us and to bring us food. We decided not to have our friends see you, I knew it would be upsetting and I didn't want to watch my friends upset over you. Instead we showed them the pictures. They were great and let us tell them all about your birth. I was glad we could talk about you and your birth and not feel uncomfortable. We have been blessed with good friends. Our 1st and 2nd counselor from the bishopric came to see us that night too. They were concerned and caring and cried with us too. It was sweet. I felt uplifted by everyone in our ward.
Honestly, I have to say that I thought that I would have some amazing spiritual experience while we were at the hospital. I thought maybe when I was giving birth that I would see your spirits or that I would have all pain taken away. I thought that I would have this huge spiritual experience somehow. But I never did. I just hurt and I was sad and I felt alone. I realize now that this experience was a trial. It was something to test me and try me and I think the spiritual growth will come with time as I push forward and endure through this. And I realize that even if I had some amazing experience it wouldn't make this hurt any less. It hurt so bad. But I was glad that I gave birth to you. I am your mom, I suffered for you, I brought you into this world. I pray for you every night. I pray that you will know who we are. You were made from the love that your dad and I share and you will always be our babies.
Love,
Mom
Riley and Kate (retouched to help Riley's bruising)
You with dad
You with Mom
1 comment:
They are so beautiful.
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