Friday, January 19, 2007

Your Birth

the view from our hospital room

Dear Kate and Riley,
You were born on December 6th, 2006.
Once we decided we weren't going to go to LA, my doctor told us to come to the hospital right away so I could be induced to give birth to you, this was Tuesday, the 5th. She warned me that since my body wasn't ready to give birth it could be a long process. I was very scared since I didn't know what to expect at all and I was afraid the people at the hospital wouldn't know how to handle us. I was also scared of seeing other mothers with their babies, I knew that would make me very sad.
I was admitted to the hospital around noon. Everyone at Hoag (the hospital) was wonderful. They knew we were coming and were very prepared for our situation. The room was very nice and big and I was sad that this wasn't a happy time for us. It didn't seem real at all. They got me changed and put an IV in then the doctor came in to put some pills inside of me to soften my cervix to get ready for birth. They put a monitor on my belly to see my contractions. Dad and I were very nervous and just kind of sat around in the room.
The hospital sent in a social worker to talk to us about your burial and other things. It was so hard for me to be in the hospital to give birth but also to make plans to bury you. Dad called uncle Adam and had him take care of finding a place. The afternoon is a blur, the medicine started my contractions, they were pretty regular but not too painful for a while. Later in the afternoon it started getting a little painful and they gave me medicine in my IV that made me feel REALLY good but also made me throw up. In the afternoon my friends Crystal and Elizabeth came to visit which was good because dad and I were having a hard time just sitting around and staring at each other. Crystal brought me treats and she and Elizabeth and Elizabeth's baby Jack stayed and hung out for a while. It was really good to have company. Later that night Megan, Clarke, Meghan, Cameron, Barbara and Jared came. We are so lucky to have such good friends who came to be by our side and support us. They were wonderful, they took care of Bella and cheered us up.
The nurses at the hospital were great. They were all so sensitive, they cried with us, they took such good care of me. We made a plan for when you were born. I knew it would be too hard for me to see you right away so they were going to take you after you were born, clean you up and wrap you up a little and then bring you in when I was ready. I didn't want dad to watch you born because I knew it would make him too sad. They were very good about helping me to make a plan so I would feel as comfortable as possible. Around 8 they gave me some more medicine to help open my cervix. My contractions started getting stronger.
Our friends left around 10 which was good because it helped pass a lot of the time. We tried to get some sleep but my contractions were getting stronger and they hurt more and more. The nurses checked me and I had progressed a little and they started thinking I would deliver that night (which was good because before we thought it might take a few days for my body to be ready). Around midnight the doctor came in to give me my epidural. That was bad, I did NOT like having a giant needle in my back and it almost made dad pass out! The doctor messed up and had to do it over again! It was no fun. For a while I felt better after the epidural and slept for a little bit but I had this weird reaction where my legs were aching and aching and I wasn't going numb everywhere like I should.
At that point things started going pretty fast. I would say around 2 or 3 am things started getting intense. I was in a LOT of pain, they gave me another dose in my epidural but that didn't seem to help at all! It wasn't fair! I was trying not to freak out because it hurt so bad. The nurse, Kim, was great and dad was trying his best to make me feel better but there wasn't much he could do. I dialated quickly and the pain got even worse. At one point they said they were going to call the doctor and that wait was the worst. I wanted to push but the nurses needed me to wait for the doctor, but it hurt so bad! The waiting was the awful, I felt like it took about 2 hours but dad said it was only about 15 min. I felt like I wasn't even in my body, it was just really weird. My doctor finally arrived, it was very nice of her to come and do the delivery herself instead of having some doctor there that I didn't know. I know it must have been hard and sad for her too.
Once the doctor got there they got me ready to push. It hurt really bad but I knew that if I pushed I could be done. Kate came out fast. You were low in position and always had been. The doctor was surprised that my epidural wasn't working well, I pretty much felt everything. After only a few pushes Kate arrived. I didn't see you, the nurses whisked you off but I think daddy saw you though and that must have really hit him because he started crying. I think that everyone in the room was crying, me, dad, the nurses and doctor. They said Kate was pretty wrapped up in her cord but that can also happen after you die so they weren't sure. Kate you were born at 4 am on December 6th.
They let me rest for a few minutes but I just wanted to be done. Riley was up really high so that was hard. They had to leave your water in tact so I could push you down. I pushed hard for a half hour, at one point your water finally broke and it went everywhere, I screamed! It seemed like it was all out of a movie. I felt for a moment very alone, like this just couldn't possibly be happening AND hurt so bad. I'm not sure about this but Riley had always been transverse and I think I actually delivered you that way so it was a lot harder, plus you were bigger than Kate. You were really bruised and red the doctor said that might have meant that you actually died first so the mystery only deepened. Riley you were born at 4: 30 am on December 6th.
After you were both born I delivered your placenta. When it came out the doctor saw right away that it wasn't right. I only saw it for a second but I could see it was much bigger on one side than the other. So probably Kate was smaller because she wasn't getting enough nutrients and Riley may have gotten too much. We won't really ever know for sure but at least it gave us a few answers.
This is getting really long so I will talk about seeing you and holding you tomorrow.

Love, Mom

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