Part 5: finding out

Dear Kate and Riley,
This is where your story gets sad...
I worked hard during my last week of work to get ready to leave my students for the rest of the year. I was so excited though that I was able to make it through the week even though I was very uncomfortable. I was really sad on my last day with my students because I really loved being a teacher. But I was also excited to start a new phase in my life. On the last day of work for me, my friends at work threw me a baby shower. It was so sweet and so much fun. I met with my substitute and promised everyone I would come back a lot to visit.
That weekend our friend, Harmony, came to visit. She is the one who introduced mom and dad. We had a fun weekend and I was so excited to show her all of the stuff we had for you. On Monday I had to get up and take my gestational diabetes test. At that time my biggest worry was not being able to eat sugar for a few more months! I had a doctor's appointment that afternoon and was looking forward to seeing you and getting reassurance that everything was ok but I had convinced myself that it would be.
On my way to the doctor's appointment I started to get nervous again. But I just kept telling myself that I would go and see that you had changed positions and that was why I wasn't feeling you move. About half way there I decided I should say a quick prayer in the car. I asked Heavenly Father to let me see that everything was ok. Instead of the usual calm feeling I would get this time something different happened. I felt a very distinct thought in my head which said "I'm so sorry I have to give you this trial" now of course that scared me to death but I convinced myself that I had just imagined it and that everything would be fine.
I was nervous in the waiting room, I just wanted to get in there and know everything was ok. Robin, the ultrasound tech came to get me and we chatted a little, I told her I really wanted to know what was going on inside of me and what you two were doing. I was hoping I was just moments away from the reassurance I wanted so badly. I laid down on the table, as I had so many other times before and Robin smeared the goop on my now very big belly. I saw Riley first and I knew something was wrong, you were so limp and just sort of floating there. Robin, the tech, said "Oh Brooke, I'm not seeing what I want to see today" it must be hard for her to give people bad news. Then she told me she wasn't seeing a heartbeat. "On either?" I said, not believing her and hoping we hadn't lost you both. She told me to wait for a second and said "no, I have no heartbeat on B for sure and no not on A either" (Riley you were B and Kate you were A). I could not believe it. I put my hands over my face and Robin ran out to call in the doctor. I started crying and crying, what had happened? How could this be happening? Could she have made a mistake? Robin came back in and had to take a few more pictures to make sure she was right. She told me that it was for sure, we had lost both of you. She took a few pictures and helped me up off the table. She told me Kate looked wrapped up in her cord and that is what could have caused her to die and then since you shared so much Riley would have gone too. Kate was measuring smaller, so at first they thought you went first. It turned out none of this was right but this is what I was told at the time. She put her hand on my leg and said how sorry she was. I just could not believe this was happening.
A nurse came to get me and rushed me into a room. The asked if they could call dad, I said yes but just felt in a haze. They called dad and told him he needed to come right away but they couldn't tell him why. He asked to talk to me so they let me go into one of the doctor's offices and talk to him. I didn't know what to say, I was crying so hard I just said "Aaron, the babies died" I can't even remember what he said, maybe he also asked both of you or how I can't remember but he was on his way. My doctor was coming from a meeting so another doctor came in and talked to me. She told me what they thought might have happened, which I said turned out not to be right and I asked her what would happen next. I didn't know anything about a situation like this, it wasn't anything I had imagined could happen. She told me they might send me to a place in LA where I would give birth to you. I had been so scared of giving birth ever since I got pregnant and to imagine doing it after I knew you were gone was really hard for me.
Eventually my doctor got to the office and she cried with me. She was sad and said she also hadn't imagined that this could happen and that this was VERY rare. She assured me that this wasn't something that was wrong with me it had just happened and that it wouldn't affect me having children in the future. At the time I didn't care I just wanted YOU. She wanted to send me to a clinic in LA where I could be asleep when I had you. I agreed because I didn't know what else to do.
Dad got there and we cried and talked to the doctor. They sent us over to the hospital to have some blood taken to make sure there wasn't something wrong with me like an infection or a clotting disorder. I was in a fog at that point, just feeling really numb. I think I called my mom and a few other people to tell them.
After the hospital we went home to wait. I was supposed to go to LA in the morning to start the process. I was having a lot of bad feelings about going to LA. It was so far away. That night we cried a lot and our friends came over to bring us dinner, give me a blessing and keep us company. I couldn't sleep at all and I wasn't supposed to eat after a certain time so I got up in the middle of the night to eat. I just kept crying.
In the morning dad talked to our insurance companies and to the place in LA and it just kept sounding like it wasn't a good idea. After talking to my doctor we decided to go to the hospital where you were supposed to be born to have me induced. It meant that I would have to give birth to you awake like any other birth but now I'm really glad that I did that. I am glad I was awake and alert when you were born.
Ok, tomorrow I will tell you about the hospital.

Love, Mom