Saying Goodbye

Dear Kate and Riley,

Leaving the hospital without you was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I kept wanting to go back and get you but I knew you weren't really there. I felt like I was deserting you. Also, I didn't feel like I really got to say goodbye the last time we had held you.

I don't remember much about that first week after we got home. I remember that people from church brought dinners I remember never answering my phone. I remember our friends came over and kept us company most nights. I remember that Bella was so happy we were home. I also found the silent grief website which has been a real lifeline for me. My mom came sometime that week to help out but its all kind of a blur to me.

On Friday, the day after we got home, we went to the mortuary. What a sad job that must be. It was very strange I just kept thinking that we were too young to be in a place like that. I wondered if they had very many young couples in there. The cemetery had a special spot just for babies. I liked it because all around you would be other babies. People had left toys and other decorations on the graves. I felt like every family who had someone there had felt the same heartache that we had. There are a lot of twins and triplets buried there and that also made me feel less alone somehow. We chose a small white coffin that would fit both of you. We gave them the white blankets my grandma Wiggins had made for you so you could be wrapped in them. We got to see you one last time. You were in a beautiful white bassinet and you looked very peaceful. I was so sad in that moment. Dad and I stayed with you for a while and I got to feel like I had a chance to say goodbye.

A week later on Saturday we had a small graveside service for you. We probably could have had 100 people there, so many people had offered to mourn with us. But we wanted it to be small, just family. My parents came from Texas and my cousin Taylor and his wife, Sheri, came down from LA. On Dad's side Grandpa Frank and uncles Andrew and Austin came from Utah and uncle Adam and aunt Tracy with your cousins, Maddy, Aubrey, Ashton, Braden and Myra came up from San Diego. Our bishop also came to conduct. The day was rainy and gray and it seemed appropriate. We gathered at the cemetery at your little spot. The bishop opened up, we sang "I am a Child of God" and Grandpa Frank said a family prayer. My dad gave a little talk, I don't really remember much of it but it was good and I felt like it really made you real and it was important to me that all of those people there loved you too. My dad read a poem which I really liked. It is by Emily Dickenson:

They dropped like flakes, they dropped like stars'
Like petals from a rose, When suddenly across the June
A wind with fingers goes.

They perished in the seamless grass, -
No eye could find the place:
But God on his repealless list
Can summon every face

I do feel like you were my little snowflakes, just here for a moment. But I know that you were real and Heavenly Father knows you and there is a plan for you.

After my dad spoke he dedicated your grave. Then the bishop talked again and we were done. It was a beautiful and simple service. It was perfect for you.

So, this is kind of the end of your story but not really. I mean I don't want you to think your story is over. I think that your short lives have changed our lives forever and that your story will live on and continue to touch lives. I have a feeling that Heavenly Father has something great in mind for you and that is why he needed to take you back.

Love, Mom