Mother's Day

Dear Kate and Riley,
I feel like I've been a slacker mom when it comes to this blog but pregnancy and teaching are a hard combo! Last Sunday was Mother's day and it was a rough weekend. I couldn't bear to go to church and listen to everyone talk about motherhood so I stayed in the house most of the day. Dad was really nice and made breakfast for aunt Jenny and I. He also sent me pretty flowers which were the same flowers I had picked to send to my own mom, I guess dad knows my taste pretty well by now! He is getting really good at sending flowers and writing cards that make me cry, I wish he didn't have so many reasons to.

On Saturday dad and I picked out flowers to bring to the cemetery. I found some tiny pink roses just like the ones on your casket during your service. I loved them and there was only one bunch of them, I felt like they were there just for me. I was happy to bring them to the cemetery on Sunday. I had never seen anyone else in the infant part of the cemetery when I was there even though I know other parents go there often because there are always flowers and other decorations on the babies' graves. On Sunday though we saw two other families and my heart reached out to those families on such a sad day that should have been a happy one. When we got to the cemetery there weren't any people with vases like there sometimes are so I just laid the flowers on the ground. We weren't too happy with that and as we were about to leave dad saw a vase in the bushes. It was a pink vase that I had brought to the cemetery on Valentine's day! I had come back another time to throw the flowers away and take the vase home but I had accidentally left the vase on the ground. Someone must have put it in the bushes instead of throwing it away and there it was for us to use again.

Someone on my LAMBS group which is a support group for people who have lost all of their multiples at birth, posted this poem today which I really loved but I don't know who wrote it...

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

We are writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear
A rather strange idea - we see everything from here.
We just popped in to visit your stores to find a card
A card of love for our mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake we thought,
you had every card you could imagine
Except we could not find a card,
from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where we reside
We had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

We thought that if we wrote you, that you would come to know
that though we live in heaven now, we still love my mother so.

She talks with us, and dreams with us; we still share laughter too,
Memories are our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries us in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor us, sometimes far into the night
She plants flowers in our garden, there our living memory dwells
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as
well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though we no longer live on earth
we must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth
She needs to be honored, and remembered too
Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, we know you'll do your best
we have done all we can do; to you we'll leave the rest.
Find a way to tell her, how much she means to us
Until we can do it for ourselves, when she joins us in eternal bliss.

The MISS foundation

Dear Kate and Riley,
I was surprised after you died to find out how few people really knew about stillbirth or that it happened and how few organizations there were out there that raised money for research of stillbirth and offered support for families dealing with this horrible tragedy. Many more babies are stillborn every year than die of SIDS but I found that while everyone seems to have heard of SIDS very few knew what a stillbirth was or that it was so common.

There is a group called the MISS foundation which provides support and raises money for issues dealing with stillbirth. They are currently fighting a battle that I find so meaningful. They are trying to push through the MISSing Angels bill so that parents like your dad and I can get a birth certificate for our stillborn children. Currently, several states have passed the bill and offer a certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth to the parents of stillborn babies. Some states have not passed the bill yet. I hope that all of the states eventually pass the bill and that the parents of angels, the mothers who not only labored and gave birth but also grieved and mourned are given the validation that we are parents too.

Announcing...

Dear Kate and Riley,
Sorry mommy has been MIA the past few weeks! I haven't forgotten about you. On the contrary, I think about you EVERY single day. Its just that I have been SO tired and sick and hmmm, what does that sound like? Well I have a feeling YOU two already know but you are getting a brother or sister!

Dad and I are excited and scared at the same time. I got pregnant REALLY fast. I want you to know I wasn't trying to replace you. I knew that a new baby wouldn't make you come back and wouldn't make my heart hurt less for not having you in our lives. But we also knew that a new baby would bring joy into our house again. We were ready for you and we knew that you would want us to have a baby to fill our arms and our hearts since you have to be so far away from us. You will always be our firstborn. You will always be the oldest two in our family and that will never change. I have a feeling that when you got to heaven you were excited for this baby to come down because you knew that he or she would be able to make us happy when you knew we were so sad about losing you.

The new baby is due Oct. 22nd. I hope that the new baby comes early for my birthday! I think it would be a good present. Girls your job is to watch over your mom and this new baby. Keep him safe and make sure we get to take him (or her!) home with us.

Love, Mom


new baby tummy sleeping
13 weeks gestation



new baby profile 13 weeks

Happy Easter

Dear Kate and Riley,

Happy Easter! I have always loved Easter, spring, new life and the promise of a resurrection are some of the best things to celebrate. I was really sad this past week thinking about Easter because I remember shopping with Dad right before we lost you and telling him how excited I was to buy you matching Easter dresses. But Easter isn't really about dresses or eggs or bunnies or any of those things and as the week went on I realized that I should be so happy for Easter this year. What a new and special meaning this holiday has for me.

I am sure they teach you all about Easter in heaven. I am sure it is a day of much celebration because you and the other angels in heaven are reminded that, like Christ, you too will take up your bodies again one day and be resurrected. We will all live again. That gives me a reason to hope and to carry on and to be happy.

I want to share with you one of my favorite songs from when I was in primary. I hope they teach it to you in heaven, I am sure you and all of the other little angels would make such a beautiful choir singing this easter song. These are the words

Did Jesus really live again? Yes when the third day came,
He wakened and he left the tomb, he called Mary's name.
And there were nail prints in His hands and a spear wound in His side?
Did Jesus really live again, after he had died?
Oh yes! And so shall I.

That last line is my favorite and I can really picture you singing that in heaven.

There was a really good message about Easter I want to share part of, it was by President Benson, one of the former prophets of the church...


First Presidency Message
The Meaning of Easter

By President Ezra Taft Benson



Ezra Taft Benson, “The Meaning of Easter,” Ensign, Apr 1992, 2

"I cannot recall a time that I did not believe in Jesus Christ. It seems that the reality of His life, death, and resurrection has always been a part of me. I was reared in a home by faithful parents who earnestly believed in and testified of Christ, for which I am most grateful.

The greatest events of history are those that affect the greatest number of people for the longest periods. By this standard, no event could be more important to individuals or nations than the resurrection of the Master.

The literal resurrection of every soul who has lived and died on earth is a certainty, and surely one should make careful preparation for this event. A glorious resurrection should be the goal of every man and woman, for resurrection will be a reality.

Nothing is more absolutely universal than the resurrection. Every living being will be resurrected. “As in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive.” (1 Cor. 15:22.)

The scriptural record tells us that on the third day following Jesus’ crucifixion, there was a great earthquake. The stone was rolled back from the door of the tomb. Some of the women, among the most devoted of His followers, came to the place with spices “and found not the body of the Lord Jesus.”

Angels appeared and said simply, “Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen.” (Luke 24:3–6.) Nothing in history equals that dramatic announcement: “He is not here, but is risen.”


Following His ascension, He appeared to the inhabitants of America as chronicled in the Book of Mormon. Then in modern times the Prophet Joseph Smith testified of the appearance of the Redeemer of the world in these words:

“And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the testimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he lives! For we saw him.” (D&C 76:22–23.)

As one of His latter-day witnesses, I testify that He lives today. He is a resurrected Being. He is our Savior, our Lord, the very Son of God. I testify that He will come again as our glorified, resurrected Lord. That day is not far distant. To all who accept Him as Savior and Lord, His literal resurrection means that life does not end at death, for He promised: “Because I live, ye shall live also.” (John 14:19.)"

So, you can see what a wonderful holiday Easter really is. We are so blessed to know of Christ and His death and resurrection for us. I am so happy to know that I will be with you again some day.

I love you girls, Happy Easter!

love,
Mom

Angel Peyton

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today there is a new baby angel in heaven. Her name is Peyton. Peyton has a sister who is already in heaven named Quinn. I hope that you can find Peyton today and welcome her to heaven. I hope that Peyton and Quinn are able to find a way to comfort their mommy. Their mommy's name is Cass and she found silent grief after she lost her baby Quinn. A few weeks ago Cass told us that Peyton was not growing as fast as she should. Cass was so worried because that is the same thing that happened with Quinn. Surely, we all thought, this would never happen to her again. The boards were full of messages of hope for Cass and Peyton. We all prayed and hoped for Peyton to be ok. Today her mom went in to the doctor and found out Peyton is an angel. She will be born on Wed.
This has been such a sad day on Silent Grief. Most days we are sad but still full of hope. I feel like losing a child has to be one of the worst kinds of pain that there can be, I can't imagine going through it again. I am sending prayers for Cass and her husband. Tell all the angels in heaven to surround them with love.

Love,
Mom

Headstone

Dear Kate and Riley,
One thing your dad and I have been procrastinating is picking out a headstone to mark your grave. It bothers me that there isn't anything there but some angel statues I put in the ground. Its hard to choose because it feels very final and like a big decision because it will be there forever. I would hate to go back years later and wish we had done something else.
I found a picture of Jesus holding twin girls on another angel mom's blog a while ago, I posted it a few posts ago. I really liked it but I couldn't read the signature on the picture and the mom who had posted it didn't know where it came from. I sent an e-mail to my LAMBS group (loss of all multiples at birth) and asked if anyone knew who had done the picture. No one responded for a few weeks and I was sad. I knew that was the picture I wanted but I couldn't use the one off of the computer, it wasn't good enough quality, plus I would have felt bad using a picture without permission from the artist.

Then, last week, a mom e-mailed me and sent me to Jean Keaton's website. The mom who e-mailed me had angel babies named Hyrum and Joseph, I knew she must be LDS. Then I went to the website and I recognized the picture on the home page right away, it was a picture of Mary holding Jesus and I knew that this artist was also LDS. I knew that must be the reason I felt so drawn to this picture, this artist had the same understanding of Christ that I do. She captured his love so well and I loved picturing the two of you safe in His arms.
I spent a while looking through her touching pictures of children with Christ, some of them had stories that I read and I cried thinking of how much comfort this artist was bringing to families.
This week I ordered some of the prints for us and our family and I also e-mailed the website to ask permission to use the picture on your headstone. They e-mailed me back and said that we can use the picture. I am happy to have found the perfect picture for your headstone. I think it will be a wonderful way to always remember you. Now dad and I have to decide on a scripture or quote we want to put on the bottom. I have a few ideas in mind. I am hoping that we get the prints soon so we can order the headstone in the next few weeks. I hope that it is something that makes you proud and that when we visit always brings a warm feeling to our hearts.

love,
Mom

Joseph and Emma

Dear Kate and Riley,
Since losing you, I have felt such a closeness to others who have experienced this horrible tragedy of losing a child. My aunt, Linda, and her husband, Randy, lost their baby Jonathan when he was only a few months old. Jonathan was almost the exact same age as my brother Bret. I am sure that you have gotten to meet Jonathan and hopefully he has told you that just like his mother's heart has healed with time, so will your mom's.
Linda wrote me a letter after we lost you and told me about her mother's grandmother. This is what she wrote to me: "I felt my mother’s grandmother, Amelia, was at his birth and comforting me as I dressed him for burial. I’m so grateful for my mother’s books that helped me know her. She had lost 2 babies and knew what it was all about. She almost went crazy when the second child died, but then she had a dream about her husband’s 1st wife, Phoebe, who was deceased. She saw Phoebe caring for her children in heaven, just as she was caring for Phoebe’s children here on earth." After Linda told me that story, I thought about your Grandma Linda, dad's mom and how I hope that she is up in heaven loving you and taking good care of you. I never got to meet Grandma Linda but I am glad she is there to take care of you. I guess it is only fair if she has all of these grandchildren on earth that she gets two in heaven to keep her company.
I liked hearing what Linda had to say because I know that years had passed and even though she will never forget Jonathan her heart had healed and she has been able to find joy in her family and her knowledge of Heavenly Father's plan for her family. I also know that Linda had to deal with something I will have to, having a nephew the same age. I will have two nieces, Clint and Kelli's baby girls the same age. I can remember watching Linda watch Bret and I always thought about how hard it must be for her to know that whatever age Bret was, Jonathan should have been the same. I know it will be hard for me to be around Clint and Kelli's babies but I also hope that with time I can look at them and be happy instead of sad.
Another couple I have felt very close to, even though I have never known them, were Joseph and Emma Smith. Joseph and Emma lost six children, including a set of twins that died shortly after birth. I cannot imagine the pain they must have felt. There is a very touching painting by an artist named Liz Swindle, and a song by Kenneth Cope called "Tiny Hands" both of these show the pain that Joseph and Emma must have gone through. Although I can't say for sure, I would guess that even through everything that Joseph and Emma went through, losing their children must have been the hardest.
If you get to meet Joseph and Emma, you can tell them what an inspiration they are to your mom. I know Joseph Smith was the prophet who restored the gospel to the earth. I know that because we have the gospel on the earth and the ordinances of the temple that we will be together again some day.
Love,
Mom



"Tiny Hands"
by Kenneth Cope

another pair of tiny hands
to lay beneath the clay
slumbering little baby eyes
to wake another day
oh god of heav'n, come guard this bed
and let this angel sleep
'til earth is pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

a wondrous little baby smile
the hope of things to be
born to face the troubled world
for a moment and then set free
oh god of heav'n, take hate from man
'til lambs and lions feed
and make earth pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

tiny hands
angel hands
perfect hands
blamless hands
lifeless hands
resting in the night
waiting for the light
when life will follow

oh god of heav'n, send christ again
bringing his reign of peace
let earth turn pure for tiny hands
and safe for tiny feet

then give back my child to me

Your Due Date

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today, March 5th, was your due date. I really hadn't thought too much about today because we always thought you'd come early, I almost think the 38 week mark was harder for me since that is when I really thought you'd be here. I wish that today was different. I wish I had you here at home. I wish we were staying up all night trying to juggle two babies and figuring out how to get you to sleep through the night. I wish we were holding you and smelling you instead of packing up your room and giving your things away. But none of that will happen in this life. Grandma Janice, my mom, put a poem on the comments section that I thought was a good one for today. I am surprised at how many people remembered what today was. We have truly been blessed with wonderful friends and family who are watching out for us. I like to think that today you get to celebrate your "would be" birthday in heaven.

This is the poem my mom sent

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today. I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard Him say,
A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true. But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?" Yes you can!", He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."Some I send for a lifetime
and other's for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."So you see
my dear sweet one,
your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on that day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one.

by Jennifer Wasik

Happy almost birthday Kate and Riley, mom and dad love and miss you every day with every bit our our hearts.

Love,
Mom

Your tiny footprints

Kate's



Riley's









Dear Kate and Riley,

When we were at the hospital, they told us they were making ceramic footprints of your tiny little feet that we could have. We were told they'd be sent to my doctor's office but that it would take a few weeks. I had thought about them often but hadn't heard from the doctor's office and I wondered if we'd ever get them. Then this week the office called and told me they had the footprints for us. I was excited and nervous to pick them up. They are not what I expected but are so precious and such a physical reminder of how tiny you were but how real you were at the same time. I only wish the hospital had saved the mold so we could have made more. I would have loved to have some to give to your grandparents and your aunts and uncles. But, we only got two and I will guard them with everything I have! I am already so scared of breaking them or of the puppy getting them! I think I'm going to put them in a shadow box that we can put on the wall. That way I can always think of my angel babies and everyone can know how real and tiny you were.
I love you, my precious baby girls.
love,
Mom

A Poem

Dear Kate and Riley,
I have read a lot of poetry written by other angel moms. Some of it is touching but a lot of it is cheesy. The problem is, I love all of it. I, however, cannot express myself through poetry so I have to steal it from others. Here is a poem I like.

God's Tiniest Angels

There was a meeting up in Heaven and the angels gathered round.
God spoke, "They will soon be coming. Let the trumpets sound.
Make way for my tiniest angels," God said, for they are almost here.
Watch over them; I must go now, and help dry their mothers' tears."

And so God went to His special place to hear the mothers pray,
Tears fell from His eyes as He listened to what they had to say.
The prayers were very different yet seemed to blend into one:
"You have my tiny angel, God, but my crying has just begun."

"I'm human and I'm weak, God, and I don't know what to do,
I need your love and strength, and your help to get me through.
Please allow me one more thing before I say 'Amen' and go,
I need to speak to my babies now, so my love they will always know.

God gathered the tiniest angels in His arms so they could hear
Their earthly mothers speaking from their hearts, and through their tears.
From God's eyes as well as the angels' tears began to leak,
And the trumpets sounded in Heaven, as the mothers began to speak.

"I can't hold you, I can't see you, or count fingers and count toes,
Nor wrap you in a blanket, and kiss your little nose.
I'll never feel your heartbeat as you lie against my chest,
But to question would be wrong, for God always does know best."

"I'll never hear 'I love you,' or 'mommy read to me.'
It hurts so much to want you, knowing you weren't meant to be.
Although you were taken from me you will always feel my love.
I know God will allow that in His kingdom up above."

"Don't be afraid my little ones, for you are in a special place.
And don't worry about me; God will dry the tears upon my face.
He needed more tiny angels but we are never far apart.
You're not in my arms, my little ones, but you're forever in my heart."

Then God spoke to the tiny angels and dried each little tear.
"Your mother isn't with us now, but soon she will be here.
And when you reunite with her for all of Heaven to see,
She will hold you close and love you throughout eternity."

By Millie Hutton, copyright 2003

love,
Mom

Happy Birthday Dad!

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today is daddy's birthday! He is 28 years old. I thought that today I would tell you some of the things I love about your dad.

He is smart, not just book smart but money smart and common sense smart. Sometimes he has to keep me in line. He always remembers things. If it weren't for dad, none of our bills would get paid on time.

He is a hard worker, he always does well at work and he is willing to work so hard to do a good job. I love his work ethic.

He is honest. I don't think your dad has ever lied to me.

He is brave and strong. It was hard for dad to hold my hand and be beside me when you were born. He was so brave and strong. He is brave now and always reminds me that we will be with you again some day. He is strong when I need to cry.

He is handsome! He has the prettiest blue eyes and cutest dimples I've ever seen. I wonder if you would have had dimples like your dad.

He is just a good guy. Everyone who knows him would say that your dad is a good guy. He is always doing something to help someone else out.

He is a great cook!

He is a wonderful husband. He never worries about things for himself, he worries about our future and does everything he can to make sure that we will live a good life. He encourages me to be a better person, to do my church duties and to be kind to everyone.

You have the best dad ever. I know you love him and I hope that in your own way you are wishing him a happy birthday today.

Love,
Mom

Things you heard and places you went...

Dear Kate and Riley,
Last week I went back to work. It was scary at first but once I got there I remembered that teaching is something I love to do and that there are few places I feel more comfortable than at Pacifica High School in my own classroom.
When I went back to school it made me think of you a lot since the last time I had been there I was pregnant with you. Driving to work made me remember when I would drive to work when you were still inside me and I would sing really loud to the radio hoping that when you came out you would like country music too. My guess is that country music is definitely one of the kinds of music they play in heaven! Thinking of all of that made me want to make a list of things I think you liked, things you heard and "did" while you were alive.
The first thing is that I think you must have gotten a pretty good education, at least in 9th grade English, while you were alive. While you were inside of me you got to hear many short stories and you heard the novel Lord of the Flies four times! (because I read it with four different classes). I wonder if hearing that novel traumatized you in some way. You also learned about a bunch of different literary terms and other things that I'm sure made you really smart, especially since you had a really good teacher to listen to. I was reading that a baby can recognize their mother's voice by the 6th month and I'm sure you recognized mine because you got to hear me talking all day long. I'm glad I had a job like that because I think it means you will know my voice when we meet again some day.
Besides listening to novels, there were two songs that stick out to me that I think you liked. One was a Carrie Underwood song called "Right Now" I used to sing it in the car EVERY day on the way to work and you would both kick. I sometimes wondered if it was a very good song to be singing to you, but I think you liked it. The other song is the Dixie Chicks, "Not Ready to Make Nice" one time I was singing that song so loud, I thought I should ask the doctor if I could hurt your ears. I bet my singing hurt your ears even when it WASN'T loud!
As far as going places, you didn't get to go very many places because I was so sick with you. But you did get to go to Jackson Hole, Wyoming and to Utah twice. We also spent a LOT of time at the beach over the summer. I bet you liked it when I sat in the warm sun and I remember that you did NOT like it when I got in the cold water.

Here is a picture of me, Dad and Bella the dog when I was pregnant with you. Even though these pictures make me sad, I'm glad we took them.
Love,
Mom

Dear Abby...

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today a woman on SG posted a letter written to Dear Abby about the fact the she and her co-workers are APPALLED at the picture another co-worker keeps at her desk of her stillborn baby. Unfortunately Abby made a big mistake and said that the picture was inappropriate. I wrote Abby a letter telling her how wrong she was, then I read the letters that some of my friends on SG had written and they put mine to shame. So today I want to share them with you:

This one is from Sara, her baby is Miles

I am writing in response to "Appalled" and your reply to her. As the mother of a stillborn son, I would like to share with you some of the things that have made me "uncomfortable" since his birth and death: 1.Hearing, just a few weeks after my son's death, a coworker's long and very detailed story of her daughter's happy birth experience. 2. Hearing and seeing the two newborns in our building 3. Hearing several times, and just the other day, a discussion about an upcoming birth and the things they need to buy the baby, while I cringe, and think to myself, "not all babies come home, even when all appears to be well with mom and child". These are just some of the "uncomfortable" things mothers of stillborn children have to put up with. I think Appalled can live with it. I understand her discomfort, she doesn't know this pain (lucky her) however, she doesn't have to look at the picture and I think she should try to show some sensitivity to her coworker's situation.

Perhaps her coworker has the photo on display in hopes that SOMEONE, anyone, will acknowledge her loss and her baby. It hurt (and still hurts) that no one asked what my son looked like or weighed, that I never get to tell people about his soft black hair, like his father's in color, but mine in texture, or how he got saddled with my chin and his father's nose. Maybe if someone did reach out to her coworker in this way, it would also improve her coworker's behaviour?

Appalled is wrong and you are wrong, Abby. Stillbirth happens to 26,000 women in the U.S. every year. We are mothers like any other and deserve to be proud of our photos like any other parent. I highly advise both of you to go to the website missingangels.org and see their gallery of photos of stillborn babies and then you will see how beautiful all our babies really are. And I finish with this, on Appalled's rationale, should parents of children who are "different" or "disfigured in some way also not display their pictures?

Sign me,
a loving and proud photo displaying mom


This one is from Vicki, her baby is Andrew

In reference to your "advice" about the picture of a stillborn baby at work, God gave us a wonderful thing... It's called eye lids, if we don't wish to see something we can close our eyes or even avert our gaze.
Life had been hard enough for "Madge" without her feeling ostracised by her workmates, or problems raised with her boss. I have experienced a stillbirth, and know from experience that validating my lost son is an incredibly important part of grieving.
Judging by the tone of the rest of the letter you received, these workmates have a problem with "Madge" herself, not what she keeps on her desk. Perhaps you should have addressed this problem as well.
If you had a child with a disfigurement, would you keep their photo in a drawer?!? Or would you proudly display your loved child for all the world to see?
Please feel free to email me, or one of the others I'm sure will respond to your advice. Or have a look at www.silentgrief.com one of the leading sites for people who have experienced the loss of a child, and see how deep peoples emotions for their lost child are.

Girls, I want you to know I am proud of you and I love you. I would never let someone make me feel ashamed of you and I hope that Dear Abby learns her lesson. Maybe some of our friends want to write to her too. They can write her here.

love,
Mom

Tears in Heaven...

Dear Kate and Riley,
When I was a kid my dad had an Eric Clapton tape of his "unplugged" show on VH1. I remember that there was only one song on that tape that I thought was worth listening to. It was called "Tears in Heaven" I remember hearing that Eric Clapton wrote the song after his little boy died. I thought the song was sad then but I had no idea how much meaning it would end up having in my life. I love this song because I wonder the same things as Eric Clapton, I wonder if you know who I am, if you will recognize me. I know that when I get to heaven, there will be no more tears.

Tears In Heaven

by Eric Clapton and Will Jennings

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.


love, Mom

Your Names

Dear Kate and Riley,

I thought you might want to know how you got your names. Dad and I were surprised at how hard it was to name both of you, we thought that with two of you it would be easy since we wouldn't have to narrow it down to one, but instead it was hard to find two names that "went" together but didn't rhyme or start with the same letter (my rules). Before we knew you were girls we thought of a lot of boy names, I liked Andrew and Zachary (Drew and Zach) but after a little while I knew you would be girls and then we found out you were for sure so we were on to girl names. I thought I had decided right away, Katherine and Elizabeth. I always thought my first daughter would be named Katherine Elizabeth so it made sense to me to just split them up. But dad wasn't on board. We spent weeks searching through baby name books. I always knew I wanted a Katie so that was pretty set. The question was what would Katie be short for, we went through Katherine, Katelyn and finally settled on Kate. I liked it because it was simple and I could still have my Katie. Even though we didn't really say who would be Kate, I knew it would have to be baby A since technically, you would be my first daughter even if only by a few minutes.
Riley's name was much harder to come up with. I was still pushing for Elizabeth and use Libby for short. I still might use that for one of your sisters some day. Dad wasn't sure about that. So after many nights of me going through name books and yelling out names only to have your dad make a bad face about EVERY name, I finally told him, FINE, YOU come up with a name! So then Dad started going through the books. I was glad he was getting involved and he realized it WAS hard to pick out a name! Then one night he said, "What about Riley" I said I thought I could like it and it pretty much stuck.
We started telling people your names a few weeks before Thanksgiving. I liked calling you by name and since I knew where you were in my belly I liked knowing if Kate was moving or Riley was. Then it was time to think of middle names.
Dad came up with Riley Lynn, I thought it was cute and since Dad's Grandpa's name is Lynn it was good. With Kate we struggled. We couldn't find anything that went well with Kate for a middle name. I thought it should start with an "e" so we went through a lot of E names. Then over Thanksgiving Aunt Jill was filling out a family tree to give as a gift for Christmas. We saw that dad's grandma Chris' real name was Evelyn. We decided that would be good and since it was Grandpa Lynn's wife it only made sense.
So when they asked us in the hospital if we had named you dad and I looked at each other for a second and I think the nurse was surprised that I didn't even have to think twice before I said A is Kate Evelyn and B is Riley Lynn. I love that each of us picked one name. I wonder if you had been here if one of you would have been more of a mama's girl and one more of a daddy's girl. I know daddy wanted you BOTH to be daddy's girl and play sports. But you probably would have inherited your mother's lack of athletic talent at all. Lucky for you, I think in Heaven you get to be good at everything.
love,
Mom

Saying Goodbye

Dear Kate and Riley,

Leaving the hospital without you was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I kept wanting to go back and get you but I knew you weren't really there. I felt like I was deserting you. Also, I didn't feel like I really got to say goodbye the last time we had held you.

I don't remember much about that first week after we got home. I remember that people from church brought dinners I remember never answering my phone. I remember our friends came over and kept us company most nights. I remember that Bella was so happy we were home. I also found the silent grief website which has been a real lifeline for me. My mom came sometime that week to help out but its all kind of a blur to me.

On Friday, the day after we got home, we went to the mortuary. What a sad job that must be. It was very strange I just kept thinking that we were too young to be in a place like that. I wondered if they had very many young couples in there. The cemetery had a special spot just for babies. I liked it because all around you would be other babies. People had left toys and other decorations on the graves. I felt like every family who had someone there had felt the same heartache that we had. There are a lot of twins and triplets buried there and that also made me feel less alone somehow. We chose a small white coffin that would fit both of you. We gave them the white blankets my grandma Wiggins had made for you so you could be wrapped in them. We got to see you one last time. You were in a beautiful white bassinet and you looked very peaceful. I was so sad in that moment. Dad and I stayed with you for a while and I got to feel like I had a chance to say goodbye.

A week later on Saturday we had a small graveside service for you. We probably could have had 100 people there, so many people had offered to mourn with us. But we wanted it to be small, just family. My parents came from Texas and my cousin Taylor and his wife, Sheri, came down from LA. On Dad's side Grandpa Frank and uncles Andrew and Austin came from Utah and uncle Adam and aunt Tracy with your cousins, Maddy, Aubrey, Ashton, Braden and Myra came up from San Diego. Our bishop also came to conduct. The day was rainy and gray and it seemed appropriate. We gathered at the cemetery at your little spot. The bishop opened up, we sang "I am a Child of God" and Grandpa Frank said a family prayer. My dad gave a little talk, I don't really remember much of it but it was good and I felt like it really made you real and it was important to me that all of those people there loved you too. My dad read a poem which I really liked. It is by Emily Dickenson:

They dropped like flakes, they dropped like stars'
Like petals from a rose, When suddenly across the June
A wind with fingers goes.

They perished in the seamless grass, -
No eye could find the place:
But God on his repealless list
Can summon every face

I do feel like you were my little snowflakes, just here for a moment. But I know that you were real and Heavenly Father knows you and there is a plan for you.

After my dad spoke he dedicated your grave. Then the bishop talked again and we were done. It was a beautiful and simple service. It was perfect for you.

So, this is kind of the end of your story but not really. I mean I don't want you to think your story is over. I think that your short lives have changed our lives forever and that your story will live on and continue to touch lives. I have a feeling that Heavenly Father has something great in mind for you and that is why he needed to take you back.

Love, Mom

Meeting You

Dear Kate and Riley,
Sorry tomorrow never ends up actually being tomorrow does it? Well its not like I have a lot going on, but writing this does end up being emotionally draining.

Sadly, the first time we got to actually meet you, we really just met your tiny bodies since you were already gone. After you were born and they had stitched me up (ouch!) and the doctor left, the nurse brought you back in. At that point I was pretty exhausted, we hadn't slept, I was tired from giving birth and my memory is fuzzy here. I remember the nurse bringing you in wrapped up and giving you both to me. Kate, you were smaller and Riley you were bigger and it was a little easier to tell what you would have looked like if you were full term. The one thing I really noticed about you were your noses and your mouths. You had these tiny mouths but they weren't just tiny because you were small, they were tiny mouths just like dad's. Even right now when dad is sleeping sometimes his mouth looks JUST like yours. It is funny. Your noses reminded me of your cousins Braden and Myra. I think you would have had the same noses as them.

Holding you was good, it made you seem very real. I have to admit though that I was sort of scared to hold you. I didn't know how I would react and once I was holding you you were SO tiny and fragile I kept worrying that I would break you or something. You seemed like tiny dolls. Kate you weighed 1 lb 3 oz and Riley you weighed 1 lb 10 oz. It was strange that there was such a growth difference because you had always measured exactly the same. The other thing that was strange is that you were the exact same length, 12 1/2 in. So I don't really understand the weight difference. Riley's face was more filled out. Both of you had long fingers, they were so tiny and perfect. Every part of you was perfect.

That early morning dad and I held you for a little while but I was so exhausted and I needed to eat and sleep. The nurses promised we could see you as much as we wanted to while we were there at the hospital. So after a little while they took you away and I ate and slept. Then in the morning they brought you back and this time I must have been more coherent because I remember I cried and cried. Dad and I both took turns holding you a lot, we held each of you individually and we held both of you together. I think that seeing you was very significant for dad because you probably weren't very real to him before he saw you, to me you had been so real for so long since you were inside of me and I felt so connected to you.

We held you that morning and again later that afternoon. I think it was so good for us to get to hold you because it made it real. It was hard for me to "get" that you were gone, that I wasn't pregnant any more, that you weren't waking up, that this wasn't a dream or something like that. Seeing you and holding you helped me to "get it". But it was hard and sad. No one should ever have to do that. No one should give birth and have their own crying be the only crying. No one should have to have silent babies. I don't know why Heavenly Father took you back. I don't know why we didn't get even a minute with you outside of me, were you just too precious to ever even have to leave the safety of my body? Too pure and perfect? I think you needed bodies, we gave you those bodies and that is all that you had to be here for.

The nurses at the hospital were wonderful. They took you away and took pictures of you. They took pictures of us holding you. I am so glad we have those pictures. Of course, now, I wish I had other pictures too but we are lucky because other people I have talked to don't have any or many pictures and we have quite a few.

I slept most of the day and dad went home to take care of Bella and shower. That afternoon we had the nurses bring you back so we could hold you one last time. I didn't want to have bad memories of you and your little bodies were changing the more time you spent outside of me plus you were cold and that made me sad, babies aren't supposed to be cold. So we decided that would be our last time to hold you. But we would say our official goodbyes later at the mortuary.

That night our friends all came again to see us and to bring us food. We decided not to have our friends see you, I knew it would be upsetting and I didn't want to watch my friends upset over you. Instead we showed them the pictures. They were great and let us tell them all about your birth. I was glad we could talk about you and your birth and not feel uncomfortable. We have been blessed with good friends. Our 1st and 2nd counselor from the bishopric came to see us that night too. They were concerned and caring and cried with us too. It was sweet. I felt uplifted by everyone in our ward.

Honestly, I have to say that I thought that I would have some amazing spiritual experience while we were at the hospital. I thought maybe when I was giving birth that I would see your spirits or that I would have all pain taken away. I thought that I would have this huge spiritual experience somehow. But I never did. I just hurt and I was sad and I felt alone. I realize now that this experience was a trial. It was something to test me and try me and I think the spiritual growth will come with time as I push forward and endure through this. And I realize that even if I had some amazing experience it wouldn't make this hurt any less. It hurt so bad. But I was glad that I gave birth to you. I am your mom, I suffered for you, I brought you into this world. I pray for you every night. I pray that you will know who we are. You were made from the love that your dad and I share and you will always be our babies.

Love,
Mom

Riley and Kate (retouched to help Riley's bruising)

You with dad

You with Mom

Your Birth

the view from our hospital room

Dear Kate and Riley,
You were born on December 6th, 2006.
Once we decided we weren't going to go to LA, my doctor told us to come to the hospital right away so I could be induced to give birth to you, this was Tuesday, the 5th. She warned me that since my body wasn't ready to give birth it could be a long process. I was very scared since I didn't know what to expect at all and I was afraid the people at the hospital wouldn't know how to handle us. I was also scared of seeing other mothers with their babies, I knew that would make me very sad.
I was admitted to the hospital around noon. Everyone at Hoag (the hospital) was wonderful. They knew we were coming and were very prepared for our situation. The room was very nice and big and I was sad that this wasn't a happy time for us. It didn't seem real at all. They got me changed and put an IV in then the doctor came in to put some pills inside of me to soften my cervix to get ready for birth. They put a monitor on my belly to see my contractions. Dad and I were very nervous and just kind of sat around in the room.
The hospital sent in a social worker to talk to us about your burial and other things. It was so hard for me to be in the hospital to give birth but also to make plans to bury you. Dad called uncle Adam and had him take care of finding a place. The afternoon is a blur, the medicine started my contractions, they were pretty regular but not too painful for a while. Later in the afternoon it started getting a little painful and they gave me medicine in my IV that made me feel REALLY good but also made me throw up. In the afternoon my friends Crystal and Elizabeth came to visit which was good because dad and I were having a hard time just sitting around and staring at each other. Crystal brought me treats and she and Elizabeth and Elizabeth's baby Jack stayed and hung out for a while. It was really good to have company. Later that night Megan, Clarke, Meghan, Cameron, Barbara and Jared came. We are so lucky to have such good friends who came to be by our side and support us. They were wonderful, they took care of Bella and cheered us up.
The nurses at the hospital were great. They were all so sensitive, they cried with us, they took such good care of me. We made a plan for when you were born. I knew it would be too hard for me to see you right away so they were going to take you after you were born, clean you up and wrap you up a little and then bring you in when I was ready. I didn't want dad to watch you born because I knew it would make him too sad. They were very good about helping me to make a plan so I would feel as comfortable as possible. Around 8 they gave me some more medicine to help open my cervix. My contractions started getting stronger.
Our friends left around 10 which was good because it helped pass a lot of the time. We tried to get some sleep but my contractions were getting stronger and they hurt more and more. The nurses checked me and I had progressed a little and they started thinking I would deliver that night (which was good because before we thought it might take a few days for my body to be ready). Around midnight the doctor came in to give me my epidural. That was bad, I did NOT like having a giant needle in my back and it almost made dad pass out! The doctor messed up and had to do it over again! It was no fun. For a while I felt better after the epidural and slept for a little bit but I had this weird reaction where my legs were aching and aching and I wasn't going numb everywhere like I should.
At that point things started going pretty fast. I would say around 2 or 3 am things started getting intense. I was in a LOT of pain, they gave me another dose in my epidural but that didn't seem to help at all! It wasn't fair! I was trying not to freak out because it hurt so bad. The nurse, Kim, was great and dad was trying his best to make me feel better but there wasn't much he could do. I dialated quickly and the pain got even worse. At one point they said they were going to call the doctor and that wait was the worst. I wanted to push but the nurses needed me to wait for the doctor, but it hurt so bad! The waiting was the awful, I felt like it took about 2 hours but dad said it was only about 15 min. I felt like I wasn't even in my body, it was just really weird. My doctor finally arrived, it was very nice of her to come and do the delivery herself instead of having some doctor there that I didn't know. I know it must have been hard and sad for her too.
Once the doctor got there they got me ready to push. It hurt really bad but I knew that if I pushed I could be done. Kate came out fast. You were low in position and always had been. The doctor was surprised that my epidural wasn't working well, I pretty much felt everything. After only a few pushes Kate arrived. I didn't see you, the nurses whisked you off but I think daddy saw you though and that must have really hit him because he started crying. I think that everyone in the room was crying, me, dad, the nurses and doctor. They said Kate was pretty wrapped up in her cord but that can also happen after you die so they weren't sure. Kate you were born at 4 am on December 6th.
They let me rest for a few minutes but I just wanted to be done. Riley was up really high so that was hard. They had to leave your water in tact so I could push you down. I pushed hard for a half hour, at one point your water finally broke and it went everywhere, I screamed! It seemed like it was all out of a movie. I felt for a moment very alone, like this just couldn't possibly be happening AND hurt so bad. I'm not sure about this but Riley had always been transverse and I think I actually delivered you that way so it was a lot harder, plus you were bigger than Kate. You were really bruised and red the doctor said that might have meant that you actually died first so the mystery only deepened. Riley you were born at 4: 30 am on December 6th.
After you were both born I delivered your placenta. When it came out the doctor saw right away that it wasn't right. I only saw it for a second but I could see it was much bigger on one side than the other. So probably Kate was smaller because she wasn't getting enough nutrients and Riley may have gotten too much. We won't really ever know for sure but at least it gave us a few answers.
This is getting really long so I will talk about seeing you and holding you tomorrow.

Love, Mom

Part 5: finding out

Dear Kate and Riley,
This is where your story gets sad...
I worked hard during my last week of work to get ready to leave my students for the rest of the year. I was so excited though that I was able to make it through the week even though I was very uncomfortable. I was really sad on my last day with my students because I really loved being a teacher. But I was also excited to start a new phase in my life. On the last day of work for me, my friends at work threw me a baby shower. It was so sweet and so much fun. I met with my substitute and promised everyone I would come back a lot to visit.
That weekend our friend, Harmony, came to visit. She is the one who introduced mom and dad. We had a fun weekend and I was so excited to show her all of the stuff we had for you. On Monday I had to get up and take my gestational diabetes test. At that time my biggest worry was not being able to eat sugar for a few more months! I had a doctor's appointment that afternoon and was looking forward to seeing you and getting reassurance that everything was ok but I had convinced myself that it would be.
On my way to the doctor's appointment I started to get nervous again. But I just kept telling myself that I would go and see that you had changed positions and that was why I wasn't feeling you move. About half way there I decided I should say a quick prayer in the car. I asked Heavenly Father to let me see that everything was ok. Instead of the usual calm feeling I would get this time something different happened. I felt a very distinct thought in my head which said "I'm so sorry I have to give you this trial" now of course that scared me to death but I convinced myself that I had just imagined it and that everything would be fine.
I was nervous in the waiting room, I just wanted to get in there and know everything was ok. Robin, the ultrasound tech came to get me and we chatted a little, I told her I really wanted to know what was going on inside of me and what you two were doing. I was hoping I was just moments away from the reassurance I wanted so badly. I laid down on the table, as I had so many other times before and Robin smeared the goop on my now very big belly. I saw Riley first and I knew something was wrong, you were so limp and just sort of floating there. Robin, the tech, said "Oh Brooke, I'm not seeing what I want to see today" it must be hard for her to give people bad news. Then she told me she wasn't seeing a heartbeat. "On either?" I said, not believing her and hoping we hadn't lost you both. She told me to wait for a second and said "no, I have no heartbeat on B for sure and no not on A either" (Riley you were B and Kate you were A). I could not believe it. I put my hands over my face and Robin ran out to call in the doctor. I started crying and crying, what had happened? How could this be happening? Could she have made a mistake? Robin came back in and had to take a few more pictures to make sure she was right. She told me that it was for sure, we had lost both of you. She took a few pictures and helped me up off the table. She told me Kate looked wrapped up in her cord and that is what could have caused her to die and then since you shared so much Riley would have gone too. Kate was measuring smaller, so at first they thought you went first. It turned out none of this was right but this is what I was told at the time. She put her hand on my leg and said how sorry she was. I just could not believe this was happening.
A nurse came to get me and rushed me into a room. The asked if they could call dad, I said yes but just felt in a haze. They called dad and told him he needed to come right away but they couldn't tell him why. He asked to talk to me so they let me go into one of the doctor's offices and talk to him. I didn't know what to say, I was crying so hard I just said "Aaron, the babies died" I can't even remember what he said, maybe he also asked both of you or how I can't remember but he was on his way. My doctor was coming from a meeting so another doctor came in and talked to me. She told me what they thought might have happened, which I said turned out not to be right and I asked her what would happen next. I didn't know anything about a situation like this, it wasn't anything I had imagined could happen. She told me they might send me to a place in LA where I would give birth to you. I had been so scared of giving birth ever since I got pregnant and to imagine doing it after I knew you were gone was really hard for me.
Eventually my doctor got to the office and she cried with me. She was sad and said she also hadn't imagined that this could happen and that this was VERY rare. She assured me that this wasn't something that was wrong with me it had just happened and that it wouldn't affect me having children in the future. At the time I didn't care I just wanted YOU. She wanted to send me to a clinic in LA where I could be asleep when I had you. I agreed because I didn't know what else to do.
Dad got there and we cried and talked to the doctor. They sent us over to the hospital to have some blood taken to make sure there wasn't something wrong with me like an infection or a clotting disorder. I was in a fog at that point, just feeling really numb. I think I called my mom and a few other people to tell them.
After the hospital we went home to wait. I was supposed to go to LA in the morning to start the process. I was having a lot of bad feelings about going to LA. It was so far away. That night we cried a lot and our friends came over to bring us dinner, give me a blessing and keep us company. I couldn't sleep at all and I wasn't supposed to eat after a certain time so I got up in the middle of the night to eat. I just kept crying.
In the morning dad talked to our insurance companies and to the place in LA and it just kept sounding like it wasn't a good idea. After talking to my doctor we decided to go to the hospital where you were supposed to be born to have me induced. It meant that I would have to give birth to you awake like any other birth but now I'm really glad that I did that. I am glad I was awake and alert when you were born.
Ok, tomorrow I will tell you about the hospital.

Love, Mom

Part 4: Thanksgiving

Dear Kate and Riley,
Thanksgiving was the last time I was going to be able to travel. So dad and I planned a trip to Utah, we go there every year for Thanksgiving to visit with his family. We stayed with Uncle Austin and Aunt Jill and we brought Bella on her first plane ride with us! I was SO excited to have some time off of work and to relax. I spent most of the trip sleeping and relaxing. I was really getting big with the two of you. The day before we left on our trip the doctor wanted me to come in for an ultrasound. It would be the last time I got to see you alive. I was so nervous going in to the ultrasound that they would tell me I couldn't go on the trip. But at that time everything looked good, you were in there wiggling around and I got the green light to go on the trip.
During our trip to Utah Aunt Stacy threw a baby shower for you. It was so much fun and everyone was so excited to give you clothes and things! I was so excited for all of the pink pink pink. Grandma Wiggins had crocheted beautiful white blankets for your blessings, we ended up wrapping you in them when we burried you. The baby shower was one of my last really awesome memories of you. Even though it makes me sad now to see all of the things you will never get to use, I am glad that our family and friends got to celebrate your life before we lost you. I think it made you more real to all of them too.

Great Grandma Hansen and Great Aunt Alisa Cousin Autumn, Aunt Jill and Aunt Stacy

Mom and "aunt" Michelle


A few days after the baby shower is when I started to wonder if something was wrong. The day before Thanksgiving I realized I hadn't felt you kicking all day. I was really nervous. Dad asked if I wanted to go to the hospital but I thought I was being paranoid. Also, your placenta was in front and the doctor and ultrasound tech had told me all along I wouldn't feel very much movement, they were even surprised that I felt you as much as I did. So I figured Riley, who had always been at the top, had moved down lower so I couldn't feel her kicks any more. In reality I don't know if that is when we lost both of you, or if you started to slow down and I couldn't feel strong kicks any more. I did think I felt kicking the next day, I don't know if I did or not now. I thought I felt a little movement every day after that which always reassured me, but it could have been braxton hicks or other twinges that I was confusing with your tiny kicks. I will always wish I had gone to the doctor that night but it was still so early the doctors probably wouldn't have taken you out so I don't think it would have made a difference. I comfort myself by knowing that if Heavenly Father wanted you back with Him he was going to take you either way. I had prayed VERY very hard that night for comfort and to know if I should go to the doctor and I didn't feel like I should.
We left Utah on Saturday after Thanksgiving and I was very excited to go back and finish my last week of work. I thought a lot about calling the doctor that week but felt like everything would be ok and decided to wait until my appointment the next Monday.
Well this is the last happy part of your story so I'm going to leave it like this for now.
Love, Mom