New month, new skills

Very proud he made it across the living room

Wow, there's a whole big world out there!

Look, mom! I can eat your curtains!

Tired after a hard morning's work

Dear Kate and Riley,
I can't believe May is more than half way through. The time really goes way too fast. If I were teaching right now I think time would be stuck in slow motion as I counted down to the end of the school year. Instead time is rushing by me and I am shocked every day at how this little man is growing up so fast right before my eyes.

Last week Zach turned 7 months and I thought just today how I doubted 7 months would be any different than 6. Then this morning as I was eating my breakfast and Zach was sitting and playing with his toys he fell onto his back (nothing new). But this time instead of screaming for me to come get him he rolled over and kept playing (good!). Then he saw something he wanted across the room so he continued to roll and then got himself up on his hands and almost knees and I wondered exactly what he was planning to do next. He couldn't quite get a forward momentum though he tried really hard. He did, however realize he could go backwards (something new!) and he can spin himself so he managed to get to what he wanted. He seemed to discover a whole new world this morning and it was so much fun to watch. I love watching him do something new because I can tell he is always very proud of himself! He scooted and rolled around the living room for almost an hour before getting so tired he just laid his head down right there on the carpet.

I can only imagine that forward scooting and then crawling are coming up soon. I was really hoping to get at least part of my summer on the beach without having to chase him, but it doesn't look like that will happen! I guess I better get to baby proofing.

Keep an eye on this little man!

Love,
Mom

Mother's Day Getaway

Dear Kate and Riley,
Yesterday was Mother's Day. I got the chance to go on a weekend getaway with Liz and Michelle to Vegas! It was so much fun and even though it might seem weird for us to ditch our kids in celebration of Mother's Day, it was a really great gift to get away for a weekend and enjoy time with my two favorite girlfriends.

It was a VERY different trip from our last trip to Vegas over 10 years ago as college freshmen. This year we did a lot more sleeping, a little less acting crazy and a lot more pumping (since Liz and I are still nursing). Poor Michelle had to wait while we pumped about every 4 hours. I never thought I would pump in the parking lot of not one but two casinos, and a number of other random places. But it was worth it for the sleeping in, pool time and girl time we got to have. I got an AMAZING massage, got to see my first post baby movie (Baby Mama) and we got to go see Mama Mia (it was a "mama" themed weekend I guess!).

The best part of the trip, I decided, was that for the first time ever after a weekend away, I was as excited to return home as I was to leave. Instead of waking up Sunday morning dreading going home, I woke up SO excited to go home and see Zachary and Dad. I couldn't drive fast enough. Getting home topped off my perfect Mother's Day as I got to spend the afternoon with Zach and Dad, visit the cemetery so I could think of all of my babies on Mother's day and then Dad made me a yummy dinner (which I managed to spill all over the carpet). Dad was great for taking care of Zach all weekend, he never complained, in fact I'm afraid that now he thinks my job is easy! (we don't have to tell him that taking care of baby is only about 1/2 of my job).

I got to do a lot of thinking on my 4 1/2 hour drive alone. When I wasn't singing at the top of my lungs to Carrie Underwood or Taylor Swift, I thought a lot about the past year. The way I have changed, how losing you has made me a better mom to Zachary because I appreciate him and every single second I get to have with him and how although I thought after I lost you that I would never in my life feel true happiness I can honestly say at this point that I do. I wondered after I lost you if I'd ever be able to sit back, look at my family and not feel pain, pain in knowing that my whole family was not together. Yet somehow that is not the case. What I feel about you now is some sadness still, yes, but mostly peace. Peace and reassurance that I will be with you again, that I will someday get to hold you and know you and love you with all the love that a mother has to give. I don't think its FAIR that you aren't here, and I certainly will never ever say it was for the "best" as some people will tell me but I also can't deny the blessings that have come into our lives. Blessings that have made me really and truly happy and satisfied. To not enjoy every second I have with my family here on earth would certainly be a disservice to your memory and not what you would have wanted at all. So on Sunday as I drove I thought about my life, how happy I have become and the blessing of being a mom three times over, to beautiful precious angel babies and to a beautiful precious baby here on earth. My heart swells as I think about Zachary and the love that I have for him and I couldn't help but think as I anxiously drove home, that someday I would feel that same way again when I get to return "home" to my baby girls. How anxious and excited will I be then.
Thank you for making me a mom.
Love,
Mom

Beach Pics

Sand on the face (after mom wiped it)

Scary water Dad!

Hair spiked with sunscreen

Cousins in the bath after the beach--Summer, Ali, Zach

Dear Kate and Riley,
Here are more pictures from Jenny's wedding weekend. Dad put Zach's feet in the water at the beach, he wasn't quite sure what to think. Zach also ate a big hand full of sand for the first (but I'm sure not the last) time.

Love,
Mom

Aunt Jenny's wedding

Dear Kate and Riley,
This weekend Aunt Jenny and Uncle Christian got married! It was a fun and exciting week! Grandma Janice and Grandpa Ross rented a house in Carlsbad so we all got to go stay at the beach for a long weekend. It turned out to be a PERFECT weekend and we got to spend lots of time at the beach. Zach LOVED being the center of attention with his grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins all to play with.
Jenny's wedding was perfect, I had a coughing attack during the actual wedding so I feel like that's all I will remember (sorry Jenny!) but it didn't last the whole time and it was a really beautiful ceremony preformed by Chris's grandpa. I felt your presence as he talked about those that had gone before Jenny and Chris. I knew you were there with us watching and cheering on Jenny and Chris for making such a good decision to get married in the temple.
The reception was beautiful, overlooking the ocean and everyone had a good time. On Friday Zach got to go in the ocean for the first time, just his feet. He couldn't seem to decide if he liked it or not. He seemed to enjoy the 'hot' (warm) tub at the condo better. I don't blame him, I wouldn't go in that water either!
I took so many pictures so I might have to make more than one post. Here are a few from the reception...





Love, Mom

6 months!

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today is your brother's half birthday! Where did the time go? I feel like I just brought him home from the hospital yesterday and yet somehow half a year has passed. It makes me so happy to see him grow and so sad that it is going by so so fast. He is such a big and happy boy. He learned how to sit up this week and is SO proud of himself, I love the picture of him eating the butterflies because that is exactly what I see most of the day, Zach sitting up with something, anything, shoved in his mouth but he's usually smiling underneath whatever that is. He also started eating cereal and LOVES it! He tries to grab the spoon from me and always wants more than I am giving him at the time.

There is a country song out right now that pretty much sums up how I feel because even after we have a rough day or a rough night, I just know how much I need to cherish every moment with him since it goes by so fast. The chorus says, "You're gonna miss this, you're gonna want this back... you're gonna wish this hadn't gone by so fast. These are some good times, so take a good look around. You may not know it now, but you're gonna miss this." Last night dad and I were talking about aunt Jenny getting married and I said I was kind of jealous because I know we'll never get to go back to that time when you just have so few worries and its just the two of you and you are just so silly in love. I love your dad now more than ever, but it is definitely different. But now I'm rambling.

I miss you girls. Give your brother hugs while he naps today and tell him happy half birthday!

Love,

Mom

Scottsdale

Dear Kate and Riley,
Two weeks ago Zach and I got to go with Dad to Scottsdale where he had a conference for work. We decided to tag along because it was at a fancy hotel and we knew we should get some nice weather in Arizona. We were right! The hotel was nice, Zach slept in the walk in closet which was almost as big as his room at home! I enjoyed reading my book on the balcony and taking baths in the gigantic bathtub. We got to take Zach in the pool for the first time and he LOVED it! He even did a good job on the 6 hour car ride to and from. On the way out we got to stop in Yuma and see Great Grandma and Grandpa Hansen. It was a really fun trip even though we didn't get to see much of Dad.

Dad and Z in the pool his first time

Me and Z in the pool

Stopping for dinner in Palm Springs on the way home

If you look closely, you can see those two little teeth!

Love,
Mom

Happy Easter!

Dear Kate and Riley,
Happy Easter. I am sure that Easter is a very important holiday in heaven as you remember when Jesus was resurrected and made it possible for us to all live again. I think that Easter has become the most significant holiday to me since losing you because now I feel like I am celebrating the chance I know I'll have to be with you again some day. It is a happy happy day for me. I love hearing about how Jesus lives and how we will all be resurrected one day.

We had a low key Easter here. We got a little basket for you to bring to the cemetery and a little basket for Zach with some toys. Zach got a cute little Easter outfit and I saw a little girl in church today with a dress that would have matched his little outfit and I was sad you weren't here to dress you in cute matching dresses. You would have been so cute in them I'm sure. We went to the cemetery before church and brought your basket with an Easter lily inside. I liked the lily we got because it had three open blooms and I thought it was perfect, one for each of you and one for your brother. Zach tore off a few of the petals before we got there and I thought that was appropriate since if you were here, I'm sure he'd be getting into your stuff and making you mad all the time. That's how little brothers are, after all.

I hope that you rejoiced and sang today. Our choir sang a medley of "I Stand All Amazed" and "I know that My Redeemer Lives" and it was perfect for Easter.
Some of my favorite words---

I know that my Redeemer lives!
What comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, he lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living head!

He lives to silence all my fears;
He lives to wipe away my tears;
He lives to calm my troubled heart;
He lives all blessings to impart.

He lives and grants me daily breath;
He lives, and I shall conquer death;
He lives my mansion to prepare;
He lives to bring me safely there.

Girls, I am so grateful for the day we had to celebrate the beautiful gift of the resurrection. I am so thankful for the gospel in our lives and the fact that I know I will see you again some day. I know He lives! I want you to know how strong my testimony is of that.
I hope you had a wonderful Easter.

Love,
Mom

FIVE months!

Dear Kate and Riley,

Yesterday Zachary turned five months old! I cannot believe how fast the time has passed. It seems like yesteray that he was born! He is such a good happy baby, he is so cute and fun and this age is just the best so far. He got his second tooth this week and is already sleeping much better. We hope to get some relief for a few months!

Zach loves the beach, we got to go four times last week. Daddy thinks we're spoiled but how could we resist? He still isn't rolling over but I think he's getting really close to sitting up. He loves to talk and squeel all day long. He loves playing with his toes. He is just so fun and cuddly and growing up way too fast!

We miss you and think of you often and as Easter approaches the wonderful blessing that we know we will be with you again some day is on our minds.

Love,

Mom

Your Due Date

Dear Kate and Riley,
A year ago today was your due date. I guess I never placed too much significance on this day since I knew that you would most likely come before it. But in case I forgot (which I did) our good friends at Huggies made sure to send me a big advertisement in the mail today that said "Your baby is one!" I used to cry when we got those huggies things in the mail and get so mad about them. It was strange to think you could be a year old or a little over a year old right now if you had gone to term. I got a little sad today and I felt bad that I didn't remember. I guess there are other dates I associate much more with you now than March 5th.
I hope you are looking down on us and smiling. I am feeling peace about you and finding so much joy in your brother. He looks so much like daddy. I wonder if you would have looked more like me.
I love you my angels.
Love,
Mom

Video Debut

Dear Kate and Riley,
For Christmas Grandma Janice gave us a video camera. I was so excited but I am a little slow when it comes to technology (notice no fancy blog background) so it took me a few months to figure out how to use the camera and upload videos. Sunday we tried it out for the first time. We got some good laughs out of Zach so it was fun.



Love,
Mom

First Tooth!

Dear Kate and Riley,
I haven't written lately because life has been hectic. Out of nowhere my happy baby started to get really grumpy all the time! He wasn't sleeping well any more and he just seemed sad! I blamed it on his shots at first but then this week I was trying to get something off of his tongue (since he's been sucking on EVERYTHING lately) and when I did I felt something sharp! It was a tooth! All the sudden everything fell into place. I understood why he had been so sad. I thought we were through the worst of it because it had broken through the skin... but I was wrong. The second one seems to be right behind it. Poor kid cried almost ALL night last night. I hate when I can't comfort him, nothing I did would make him stop crying. He must be feeling a little better today because he took a 3 hour nap this afternoon and is in the middle of another big one right now, his naptime has actually passed up his bed time!

Besides teething Zach is doing great. He is mostly happy and fun all the time. At his 4 month appointment he was in the 50th percentile for weight and the 90th percentile for height! He must have gotten some genes from uncle Austin or uncle Bret because dad and I certainly aren't tall at all! Dad is hoping for a basketball player.
Zach still can roll from tummy to back but not back to tummy, we're working on it. He loves so sit in his bumbo chair and help me clean the kitchen or make dinner, it is my favorite thing. He's getting so big and it is just crazy how fast it goes because I feel like he was born yesterday!

Other news lately, dad is working hard during tax season... two jobs. It is hard for everyone but we are grateful that dad works so hard so I can stay home with Zach. Its only until April 15th so I think we'll make it.

I have been running a lot still, I can run more than 7 miles now and I'm pretty proud of myself since I couldn't even run for 10 min straight when we first started all of this. Our half marathon is in May and I really want to work on getting faster.

That's about it for the last month or so. I'm realizing I need to be better about taking pictures!

Love,
Mom

A Day at the Beach

Dear Kate and Riley,
This February we've been blessed with BEAUTIFUL weather! It certainly makes up for spending last weekend in Utah. We got to go to the beach Friday and Saturday. I can't wait until Zach is old enough to stay awake for more than just a few minutes. Here are some pictures from our beach day.
Love,
Mom

Aunt Jenny is getting Married!!

Dear Kate and Riley,
Its official! Aunt Jenny is getting married in April. We are excited to welcome Christian as a new member of our family. Last week, Zach and I flew out to Utah to help Aunt Jenny find a wedding dress. It was SO cold in Utah, it snowed almost every day we were there. It made me really grateful for the California sun.

We spent two days with Liz and Henry and then went and stayed with Uncle Andrew and Aunt Stacy. Zach had so much fun playing with his cousins, he loved it when they made faces at him and they were such good helpers! It is sometimes hard for me to see Camryn who was born just a few weeks before your due date, you guys would probably be the EXACT same age if you had gone to full term. She is so cute and fun and seeing how much Zach looks like Skylar I wonder a lot if Camryn even looks like how you would have looked. It was really hard for me to be around her at first but now its sort of a window into what could have been and its not as hard as it used to be.

We found Aunt Jenny's wedding dress at the first store! It was actually the first dress she even tried on but she tried on lots of others just to be sure. I can't believe my BABY sister is getting married but it will be fun to be more in the same place in life.

On Sunday everyone from dad's family came to Aunt Stacy's and we had a little super bowl party. It is fun to see everyone with Zach and have everyone say what an O'Farrell he is. He is definitely his father's son!

Here are some pictures of our trip....

love,
Mom

A sneak peak of Aunt Jenny's dress (couldn't
show the whole thing!)

Grandpa Frank and Zach (do they look alike?)

Zach and Henry, not interested in the camera

Your Bench is Here!

Dear Kate and Riley,
The bench that Grandma Janice ordered for us for your first birthday is here. It is SO pretty and it looks perfect in our little front flower bed. I wasn't sure how I'd feel to walk by and see it every day but I really love it and it makes me happy and not sad. I love having a reminder of you for everyone who comes to our home to see. I know it will always be a special part of our home.
love,
Mom

Could you help mom out a little?

Dear Kate and Riley,
Your little brother is THREE months old! He is getting bigger every day, I can't believe how fast it is going by. This time last year is when I first found out I was pregnant. It was such a scary time. This is where YOU come in. Little Zachary had been doing a GREAT job of sleeping right before Christmas. I was feeling GOOD and getting a lot done and just feeling all around happy. I thought you were doing a really good job of watching over your baby brother and helping him sleep well at night. Well, what happened!? Zachary has stopped sleeping at night. He is waking up every half hour to hour all night long. I am so tired! I don't know what to do so I was hoping you could help me out and come hang out in his room and remind him how to sleep for 8 hours in a row again!

As for other things, Zachary is more fun every day. He is laughing a lot and that is my favorite thing in the whole world. He is getting so big I think he might just skip over 3-6 month clothes. He just grew out of his 0-3 clothes in the past week or so but now the 3-6 are already looking a little small! He rolled over from his tummy to his back too, I think it was an accident but we'll just call him "advanced" for now.

Other than trying to get Zachary to sleep, I am working hard at getting back into shape. After WAY too much time spent pregnant, I am a long way from the girl your dad married. There isn't much I can do about the stretch marks, but I am working on everything else. I got a jogging stroller for Christmas and Zach and I (and sometimes Bella) go running most days. (even the ones when I only get three hours of sleep!). Jessica is the one who got me into this mess and we started another blog about our running adventures here.

Merry Christmas

Dear Kate and Riley,
I hope you had a good second Christmas in heaven. We were thinking about you here. It was Zachary's first Christmas and it was much easier on mom than last year when your loss was so new and fresh. We talked about you and missed you but we felt your presence and knew you were watching over us. Grandma Janice got two little angel ornaments (I meant to take pictures but forgot). We put the ornaments on the tree on Christmas eve and remembered that you were watching over us. It was really special and made me really happy. I am glad we started that new tradition and am excited for the years when Zachary and his cousins are old enough to talk about you and put your angel ornaments on the tree on Christmas Eve.

This was also the first Christmas for your cousins, Summer and Ali. I haven't talked about them before because their arrival (only a few months after we lost you) was really hard for me. We were so excited for our two sets of twins and its hard now that you two aren't here. I am glad though that Zachary will have his twin cousins here so he will have a little taste of what it might have been like to have you around. It was crazy and fun to have all the babies at Grandma and Grandpa's and I can't imagine what it would have been like if you were here too!

Zachary was a little too little to know what was going on for Christmas but mom and dad had fun dressing him up like santa and opening his presents for him. He had fun with his aunts and uncles and started laughing a lot (uncle Clint was really good at getting him to) which was really fun.

Merry Christmas late my angels.
Love,
Mom

Celebrating your birthday

Dear Kate and Riley,

I hope you had a good first birthday in heaven. I was a little nervous for how I would feel today but I would say it has been a pretty good day of remembering for us. Dad stayed home from work which is always nice and we went to the cemetery together. We brought a balloon and some candles and flowers to put at your stone. Dad teased me because I bought such a big balloon and it was a windy day but I wanted only the best for my girls. After the cemetery we just spent the day together as a family, we had to take Zach to the doctor so I decided the donation would have to wait for tomorrow. Well, I was glad that it worked out this way because tonight some of my dear sweet friends, Barbara, Sara and Megan, brought over some more toys to add to the donation as well as a cake to celebrate your angel day. It was SO sweet and it reminded me how blessed we are to have such wonderful friends who have always been there for us in so many ways. I blew out your candles for you and we ate your cake and I like to think that you were there with us. Later when Zachary was awake we looked at the toys they had brought to donate and it made me so happy that there would be even more lives touched because of yours. I will add the toys to the ones we buy and take some pictures before we donate them.

Also, Grandma Janice surprised us and ordered a little bench that we can put in the front patio to always remember you. I think it will be so nice to have to have at the house. We have really been blessed also by our loving family who always remember you and know you are an important part of our lives.

I hope you had a wonderful day today. I miss you and love you SO much.
Love,
Mom

Megan, Barbara, Kaden and Sara with your cake and presents to donate

Picture of the top of the bench that grandma ordered

Mom and Zach at the cemetery

Happy First Birthday

Dear Kate and Riley,
Today is your birthday. On SG a lot of times we call it your Angel Day, because you were born angels. I have to be honest I have so much dreaded writing this post all week. I knew I would write one for your birthday but I wanted it to be poignant and I have nothing poignant to say. I wish I knew just the right thing to say to honor you on your birthday. I will write again later today or tomorrow to let you know what we did but our plan is to visit the cemetery and put something special there for your birthday and take Zachary there for the first time. I also want to buy a gift or two for you but donate it to a child your same age. I think that will be a good way to remember you and in the future to help your siblings be involved in your birthday. I want to buy something for you every year and then donate it.

I guess as I look back on the last year its hard to believe its been a year and yet so much has happened. I have cried a lot, learned a lot and grown a lot. I was just remembering the other day how I used to cry so hard every night and I wondered I really really wondered if there would ever be a night that I didn't cry myself to sleep. I wondered if I could ever feel happy again. I wondered if I would ever feel like a whole person again. I am glad that here, a year later, I can say that I don't cry myself to sleep any more, I still cry sometimes but not nearly as often. I have felt true joy as we have welcomed Zachary into our lives. But I still feel a hole. I still feel that there is a missing part of our family. I still wonder what if and get sad but I feel like you have become an important part of our family in your own way. I know that might sound weird but I feel that your memory and your loss inspires us to be better people. It makes us more appreciative for what we have. There has not been a night that has passed that Dad and I don't pray for you. Every night we pray that we will be worthy to live together as a family some day. You make us want to be better so that we can be an eternal family. You make us ever more grateful for the atonement of Christ and the promise we have that we will be together forever some day. You make us understand the concept of opposition. I never could have appreciated my family the same way had I not experienced loss.

I can't sit here and say that I am grateful for learning these things in this way but I think that we have taken this experience and learned everything we can. I know that your lives have touched more than just ours, so many others through this blog, through SG, and from knowing dad and I have been touched by you. I feel your presence in our lives and in our home. I try to never fail to mention you or acknowledge your important place in our family. I am proud to be your mom. I am proud that we have come so far in this past year. I feel like I can talk about you without being sad. I can happily think of the day that Zachary will be old enough to understand that he has older sisters that watch over him.

I hope that today you get to have a big big celebration in heaven. I am sure that you have so many angel friends, your grandma Linda, many of your great grandparents and other family members who will gather around with you and celebrate this special day.

I love you so much. Dad loves you too. Every time I see Zachary staring up to heaven and smiling I know he loves you too. Happy Birthday angel girls.

love,
Mom

Firsts and Lasts

Dear Kate and Riley,

As we brought Zachary home, we got closer to the time we lost you. Every one of his "firsts" have been bitter sweet as they would have also been your firsts had you been here and they were also your lasts since this time last year you were still with us.
As we experience firsts with Zach I find myself very wistful. I wonder often what it would be like to do this with two babies, or how it would be different with girls instead of boy. I have to say as I spend sleepless nights I wonder how I could have ever done this with two babies but I am sure we would have found a way. I also think a lot about how old you would have been right now and how your first Halloween, Thanksgiving, etc. would have been different than Zach's because he is so young and you would have been much older for all the same firsts.
Here are some of Zach's firsts...

First Halloween, costume was a little big!

First BYU/U of U football Game
Sorry Grandpa Ross, Cougars won!

First trip to the beach/First Thanksgiving

First visit with Santa

Love,
Mom

Mom's Dilema

Dear Kate and Riley,

Well I have been chastised for not writing more on this blog. I have to say the reason has been that I feel very conflicted over it. I feel guilty I guess if it becomes more about Zachary than it does about you. At the same time, if I kept this blog to write you letters about what is going on in our lives or the things I wanted you to know about, your brother would certainly fall into that category. So I keep debating, write what I want on this blog, don't worry if its light hearted and not serious or sad, after all you wouldn't want me to spend the rest of my life grieving; or just have a different blog, one that is more like my friends' blogs where its more about our lives now. Neither seems "just right". But I decided that it is ok for this blog to be about our family and our lives that have had to carry on without you. I know you will always have a very strong presence in our lives so I want to write about our lives on this blog and still dedicate each post to you, even though each one may not be about you.

love,
Mom

A Poem for your Baby Brother

Dear Kate and Riley,
A little while after we lost you dad and I decided to try to get pregnant again. We were so scared and nervous but we knew we had to try again. While we were waiting for your brother someone from SG posted this poem. I knew that it was a special poem and that it would be special to us if we were able to have a baby after losing you. I saved it on my computer so that I could put it up here when our next baby got here safely. I am so happy to be able to put the poem up finally. I feel like losing you has made us appreciate Zachary so much more and he will always be special as our baby who came after a loss. I feel like you and he will always have a special connection since he wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost you. It is a strange feeling but I do hope that someday he understands how special he is and feels a connection and a relationship to you, his big sisters. I also hope that you understand that you will never be forgotten.

A Different Child

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
in your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan

Love,
Mom

Zachary Aaron is here!!

Dear Kate and Riley,

Your baby brother is finally here! Last Friday, October 12th at 12:10 pm Zachary Aaron O'Farrell entered the world. Dad and I went to the hospital Friday morning at 6 am so I could be induced. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I just couldn't believe that we were really going to have a baby that day and part of me was still scared that something was going to go wrong.

Around 7 am they started pitocen, the medicine to make me contract. About an hour later the doctor came in and broke my water. I spent a lot of time watching Zachary's heart rate on the monitor but he was doing really well the whole time. After a little bit my contractions started getting really intense so I called the nurse and asked if I could get my epidural. I was worried because when I had you my epidural didn't work so well. This time though was totally different, it worked great and I didn't feel ANY pain after that! I was so happy!

An hour after I got my epidural the nurse came in and said we were ready to push, I couldn't believe it, I was thinking it would take hours longer but here we were and it wasn't even lunch time! We had to wait for the doctor to get there and hope that Grandma Janice would make it in time, she was still on the road!

Around 11:30 the doctor arrived and we got ready to push. I still couldn't feel anything so it was kind of tough but I would have rather had it that way than have it hurt! We were getting close but Zack was sunny side up so the doctor had to get the vacuum to help get him out. Once she got the vacuum on his head it was only one more set of pushes and he was out! I couldn't believe it I just kept looking at him and his little cry was the best sound I had ever heard. I was so happy that your baby brother was here safe and sound. I really feel like you got to be in the room with us that day to watch him come into the world.

Here are some pictures of Zachary, he is so lucky to have you watching over him. I think he looks a lot like you. I would stare at him in the hospital that first night and I really felt like he looked like you. Please continue to watch over him.

Love, Mom




Zack's first bath

Zack and mommy, day 2 in the hospital


Zack and mommy meet

A few more days!

Dear Kate and Riley,
I can't believe it but in just a few short days your baby brother, Zachary, will be here! It has gone by so slow and yet so fast at the same time. I can't believe you've been gone almost a year. I can't believe I've made it through ANOTHER 38 weeks of pregnancy (that makes us at 65 total and Thursday will make 66). I honestly cannot remember what it feels like NOT to be pregnant, I am really looking forward to getting my body back, but it has been worth all the sacrifices. You girls have done a really good job of watching over Zachary while he's been inside of me and I know you will be his guardian angels once he is here. We will let him know all the time what a lucky little boy he is to have not one but two angel sisters watching over him.

Dad and I had been stumped on a name for most of my pregnancy. I had liked Zachary all along and we had thrown a few other names around a little too but I felt like I needed something significant to help me decide. I was waiting for some kind of sign or something to tell me what this special baby's name should be. One day I was watching a show and the lady on it was talking about how she had cancer and they didn't know if they'd ever be able to have kids. They decided to try and were able to have a son and they named him Zachary because it means "God Remembers". When I heard that I started crying and I knew that it was the perfect name for our baby boy too. Even though I don't think that God has ever FORGOTTEN us, I do feel like having this special blessing of a new baby has shown us that God does remember us and has found a way to answer our prayers of having a family here on earth with us. I wish we could all be together but I know that your spirits will linger near as you pass baby Zachary on to Mom and Dad. I think you will be sad to see your baby brother come down to earth, but I think you will also be very happy to look down and see your family so happy.

Zachary could get here any day but Friday is the day I'm going to be induced if he doesn't come before then. I am so nervous and excited all at the same time. I promise to write about everything as soon as he gets here!

love,
Mom

A Little Scare...

Dear Kate and Riley,
I've wanted to be better about writing and it turns out I think I'll have a lot more time in the coming weeks. Your baby brother has been growing well and I have to say I was getting pretty confident about the fact that he will get here safely. I had really begun to relax. My doctor (the one that delivered you) has been so wonderful about checking on him and I had started going to the hospital twice a week for extra testing. The testing was going so well I wondered if it was even something that I needed to do but I did appreciate the reassurance.

Well last week, along with starting back to work and being really busy, I went in for my appointment at the hospital and your brother's amniotic fluid was really low. I can't tell you how it felt to sit in that room and wonder if I was going to have to bury another child. I knew I wasn't possibly strong enough for that. But at the same time, I felt a peace that things were going to be ok. I was at the hospital, we were on a monitor, I could see his little heart beating away, strong as ever. I was admitted to antepartum in the hopes that giving me a bunch of fluid through an IV would help the baby's fluid go up. My doctor told me to be prepared to possibly have to stay in the hospital the rest of the pregnancy (6 weeks, yikes!). I was upset but also knew that they were being very careful. The doctor said she could not send me home again without a baby in my arms. I am so glad that she is taking such good care of us.

The hospital was no fun. It was a little difficult to be back there, a lot of sad memories, it was boring and I wanted to go back to not being worried. After two days the perinatologist came and measured the baby's fluid again and it had gone back up to a normal level. He said he felt good about letting me go home but not letting me go back to work. So, here we are back at home, drinking 4 liters of water a day, and resting a lot.

I got to see your brother a lot on ultrasounds. I think he will look like you. He is a lot bigger than you now, he's passed you up by almost 7 weeks. I'm starting to feel like I have been pregnant forever. As long as your brother keeps doing well on the tests (twice a week again), he will stay inside but the doctor said he is big enough that if he does need to come out he can. That makes me feel good. I really think he's going to get here safely. I think that he is lucky to have his sisters watching over him. I really felt your presence in the hospital, like you were there watching over us. I know you will get to be there when he is born and I'm excited for that spiritual moment when all of our family will be together at one time. Watch over us and tell your brother to stay put and to keep kicking me a lot so I know he's ok.

love,
mom

Our "trip"

Dear Kate and Riley,
Since we lost you I have joined a few different groups for support. One is Silent Grief which I've talked about on here a lot. My friends from SG have really gotten me through the months since losing you. I don't think I could have made as much progress as I have or stayed sane at all if it hadn't been for the other women on SG. Another group that I joined is called LAMBS, it is specifically for women who have lost all of their multiples. LAMBS is different from SG, I haven't connected with as many people there but I like it because more than just losing a baby, those women know the pain and sadness of losing more than one baby at a time. The loss of multiples I think is its own kind of sadness because its something that was just so anticipated as being different and special. I know that no matter how many babies we go on to have, we will most likely never get the chance again to have two babies at one time. Sometimes I mourn that chance. I am to the point in my grief where I can hold babies, watch baby shows on tv and be pretty much normal, but I still change the channel whenever twins come on. I still get sad when I see twins at the mall or anywhere else.
Today someone on LAMBS posted this little analogy that I had read before in relation to having a child with a disability. I had never thought of it as relating to us but when I read it again today I realized that it did and it made me feel good. I think that our journey to parenthood has been very very different from what we anticipated and expected but there have been good things from this journey, I have grown, I have met people I would never have met before and I have changed but I am coming to terms more and more that this is our journey and we need to take it for what it is....

"Welcome to Holland"

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation
trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful
plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may
learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your
bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess
comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm
supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and
there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible,
disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just
a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new
language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have
met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than
Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath,
you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has
windmills...

and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all
bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of
your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what
I had planned." And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away...
because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to
Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely
things ... about Holland.

- Emily Pearl Kingsley

Your stone is in....

Dear Kate and Riley,

I haven't written on here in two months. I feel bad but I think it is also good, I have been distracted with summer vacation and thinking about your brother. It doesn't mean I don't think of you, I do often. We got a call this morning that your headstone had been placed at the cemetery. Daddy and I went after church to take a look. The picture is not as clear as I'd hoped but I am very happy that there is something there now so everyone who comes to the cemetery knows that is your spot.

Dad and I chose a scripture from Moroni for your headstone. We liked what it said, "All little children are alive in Christ" I felt that it went well with the picture we had chosen and I liked that it was a Book of Mormon scripture, I wanted people who saw it to know what we believed. We know that little children are perfect, I know that you didn't have to be baptized because you are already perfect, you never got the chance to sin. I know that is why we need to work extra hard in this life so we can all be together as a family some day.

I will have to write again and update you on our summer. Dad and I went to see Grandma O'Farrell in Virginia and had a good time. I am taking the summer off from working, just resting and trying to take really good care of your baby brother. He is doing well so far. We just made it past the point where we lost you. I was so scared for those weeks but I'm starting to feel a little better. I really am starting to believe that your brother is going to make it here safely. It will be a bittersweet day when he arrives. I think about it often. I think about going back to the same hospital where you were born. I think about how similar and how different it will be all at once. I think about what it might feel like to leave this hospital without empty arms. It is exciting and scary all at once.

Watch over us, watch over your baby brother. I know that he will be so lucky to have two sisters to always watch over him. I am working on your baby book right now so that we will have something to show him so he will grow up knowing who you are. I know that you will be wonderful big sisters even though you can't be here.

love,
Mom